Sarahjoy Le Donner A Dieu

Sarahjoy's "15 Things To Know_

2009-01-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

MySpace.com Blogs - 15 Things to Know - Big Joy MySpace Blog Monday, January 05, 2009 15 Things to KnowCurrent mood: optimisticCategory: Life 1.At least 2 people in this world LOVE you so much they would DiE for you. 2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. 3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. 4. A SMiLE from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. 6. You mean the world to someone. 7. If not for you, someone may not be living. 8. You are special & unique. 9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you. 10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. 11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world. 12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you BELiEVE in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it. 13. Always remember the compliments you received. FORGET about the rude remarks. 14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know. 15. If you have a GREAT FRiEND, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Girls Need To Realize

2008-12-31T18:51:00.001-08:00

Girls need to realize... --We guys don't care if you talk to other guys. --We don't care if you're friends with other guys. --But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off. --It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still thereWe don't care if a guy calls >OR TEXTS< you,but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned.. --Nothing is that important at 2 am. That it can't wait till the morning. --Also, when we tell you you're pretty/ beautiful/ gorgeous/cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it. --Don't tell us we're wrong.We'll stop trying to convince you otherwise --The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence. --Don't be mad when we hold the door openTake Advantage of the mood im in --Let us pay for you! Dont "feel bad". We enjoy doing it. It's expected. Smile and say "thank you". --Kiss us when no one's watching. --If you kiss us when you know somebody's looking, we'll be more impressed. --If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the need towear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own.We like you for who you are and not what you are --Honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's, or my tshirt and boxers, not all dolled up. --Don't take everything we say seriously. --Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it. --Don't get angry easily. --Stop using magazines/media as your bible. --Don't talk about how hott Chris Brown,Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartney is in front of usIt's boring, and we don't care. You have girlfriends for that. --Whatever happened to the word "handsome"/"beautiful"i'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted mewith "Hey handsome!" instead of "Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy" or whatever else you can think of. --On the other hand im not sayin i woulndnt like it ether ; )Girls, I cannot stress this enough: if you aren't being treated right by a guy, dont wait for him to change!!!!!Ditch his sorry @$$, HE is a disgrace to the male populationand find someone who will treat you with utter respectSomeone who will honor your morals. --Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest. --Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes. --Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel. --Someone who will stop what they're doing just to look you in the eyes....and say "i love you" ..and actually mean it. --Give the nice guys a chance.___________________________________**Guys repost this if you agree. **Girls repost this if you think it's cute. **Every Guy who isn't a jerk will agree with this. so we hope that all the girls that read this will repost this.__________________________________ADVICE:*Holdin HandsGirls :If you want to hold his hand, gently bump into it a couple oftimes. *MoviesGirls : During a movie, if he puts his arm around you, tilt your head on his shoulderGuys : Lift her chin up and kiss her. *Loving each otherGuys : When she tells you she loves you, look deep into her eyes, give her a peck on the lips, and tell her you love hertoo...And mean it *Laying below the starsGirls : When you're both laying under the stars, put your head on his chest and close your eyes as you listen to his steady heart beatGuys : Whisper in her ear and link your hands with hers. *******************************By 12 am tonight your one true love will realize how much they want you. =Girls repost as: written by a guy. =Guys post as: girls need to realize

Comment/Response From My Kid About 'Empty Beer Cans Story'

2008-06-24T07:58:00.000-07:00

My Mother is the author of "The Empty Beer Cans" article in this blog and this is my response/comment to that story. She wrote she envisioned 'messy-hair people, dark and dirty'. I'd like to make a few comments regarding societies view of the common addict.

Kids often excuse themselves from class to use the restroom, for a quick "wake-up".

Teens watch their older siblings experiment and follow in their footsteps. Often stealing from that very stash.

I've personally seen kids use with their own parents. I know people in recovery that used for the first time with a parent or other close family member. Almost anything can be crushed and snorted. That empty pen casing could have been used for cocaine, crushed pills (diet, muscle relaxers, sedatives, pain pills, etc), heroine, speed (aka meth, shit), etc. I personally didn't use until I was 21 years old. Drugs took me to my bottom by the age of 25, when I tried to get clean the first time. So, take a closer look at the kid bagging your groceries at your local market. Wonder why your co-worker seems so bi-polar. Your husband/wife sleeping next to you may have a dirty little secret of their own. Sarahjoy March 10, 2008 10:12 PM

Patricia, Editor said... I am left stunned, again. D*mn kid. March 11, 2008 3:27AM

The Empty Beer Cans

2008-06-23T03:40:00.000-07:00

Now I'm a normie, but I'm a 'seasoned' normie. I have more familiarization with drug use because of my kid than I wish to. My druthers are I would like to be able to press the rewind button and be able to not choose my daughter getting involved in drugs, in that 'world' and in being a recovering addict. Where was that button, because I would have gladly chosen unenlightenment.

Yesterday walking the dog, I notice junk on the ground next to my car (mine's the one with the cute, little car-cover). Ick .... what is that stuff ... someone had a little party here I'm thinking, cuz' it's a plastic shopping bag with beer cans (empty of course). Well, they were picky little bugers, I decide, because each tall can is an individual brand name beer.

Ummmm.....closer though, I notice the tiny, tiny plastic packet, now also empty, a pen casing separate from its contents, erghhhhhh, these things are familiar to me as signs of meth use.

Already I am imagining what this looked like last night. Hush tones, excessive, meaningless talk, I wondered what the mix of beer and meth did. Does it heighten the high or is it to help to sleep, another sign of meth use (can't sleep or excessive sleeping). My world of words change, the jargon of drugs spins in my mind and I imagine icky, scary people: bad teeth, bad skin, messy-hair people, dark and dirty. I conjure up that their messy hair is to hide their horns but dismiss the image because that made-up picture is too innocent for this. Scary. What happens in that dark world happened here, right here. I feel so violated.

I look around the day's goings-on and notice the familiar maintenance guy for my apartment complex and point out the things to him. I decide that's what you are supposed to do. I even tell him I know there's nothing that can be done about it, but 'I wanted to show you just in case'. (Just in case what?) He and I discuss it a bit and he says 'yeah, you wish you could do more.'

I told him (because it is my habit, because I think perhaps it will somehow serve a purpose) that my 'perfectly adorable daughter' used and she is now clean. I think I am trying to remind myself that 'those kids' are 'our kids,' that those kids have mothers who know that deep inside they are perfectly adorable too.

He tells me that he will be sure to clean it up and I'm embarrassed because I certainly didn't show it to him for that purpose.

"You like to think we live in a safe place," he tells me.

"Oh, wait, lets stop there," I insist, because I need to, because I want the talk to stop, or because I need it to stop there, right there. "We live in a safe place," I say to him. "Let's say 'we live in a safe place," I appeal. Nervously and to divert his attention from my mother-of-a-recovering-addict needs, I add, "Now, don't f*ck with me," hoping my normie cute-mom look is working for me.

"No, I wouldn't do that," he laughs, "I haven't even had coffee yet," and he wishes me a good day.

I am still a lil' bit shaky as I write, but I'm holding hope and I really like the boringness of normies, normal people, telling other normies, 'to have a good day!' That is the way it should be.

April 8 Means She's 29

2008-04-09T07:41:00.000-07:00

I was working with about 500 other people in the basement of a closed down, abandoned old department store, our temporary work site while the city hall building of the City of Whittier was being renovated (it had been determined it was cheaper to relocate all the workers rather than work around us). It was also where I turned 29, having a 5 year-old kid and was trying to reconstruct my life from a divorce. (Several years later that renovated municipal building would suffer during the Northridge earthquake and those same people became emergency response teams for the entire community.)

I knew my kid would be okay, cuz I had enough love to keep my arms around her forever.

It was walking-zombie-land for awhile; I was physically there, but not altogether. I recall having to go back home while I frantically drove (her to preschool and me to work at the City) and getting forgotten lunches, matching shoes and the sort.

There came a time that I knew I was gonna make it and being 29 and divorced and having a kid wasn't the worst thing in the world. I created friendships and re-connected with family. Not ever really a drinking person, I did the divorce initiation ceremony of overpartying, a night of too many tall Long Island Ice Tea's (the kind that have lots of different types of liquor and go down so smoothly) found me laying on the top of a six foot brick wall. It must have been easy to climb, but the fall hurt like hell.

My kid is 29 now. Her divorce initiation ceremony unfortunately found her meeting her neighbors, one of whom was a young 'puppy' and the other, a female, a registered nurse. Puppy boy turned out to be not just fun to hang with but between puppy-boy and the nurse who was a functioning methhead, my kid was introduced to meth.

I didn't have my arms around her cuz' she was an adult and needed to initiate on her own. It must have been easy for her to try meth the first time and become addicted, she says the fall hurt like hell.

She is lucky because she didn't sink as far as many people do from this particular drug. She's finally got most of her life together again, this is now three years later. Last month she celebrated her three-year sobriety mark, today she celebrates her 29 years' day.

She says she is proud of me and I am extremely proud of her. My kid.

Gwen's Bio, No Doubt

2008-04-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

Gwen Stefani Bio From VH1 From VH1.Com Gwen Stefani: Before she discovered she could write songs, Gwen Stefani was looking forward to a life of marriage, children, and white picket fences. When her brother introduced her to ska and new wave music, it set off a chain of events that would eventually lead to millions of albums sold and a Madonna-sized public image that extended past music and into the worlds of film, fashion, and technology. Born and raised in Fullerton, CA, Stefani had a musical epiphany at the age of 17. She had fallen in love with the Madness and Selecter records her brother, Eric Stefani, was playing constantly. Seeing Fishbone, the Untouchables, and other bands involved in Los Angeles' ska revival scene only reinforced her interest in music, so she was more than ready when her brother asked her to join a ska band he was forming with a friend named named John Spence. G wen originally shared lead vocals with Spence but in December of 1987 he committed suicide, leaving the band -- now called No Doubt -- with an uncertain future. According to numerous interviews with the bandmembers after their breakthrough, Gwen was the glue that held No Doubt together during these hard times, pushing the group to keep trying. She was also romantically involved with the band's bass player, Tony Kanal, by this time. After playing numerous gigs and parties, No Doubt were signed to Interscope in 1991. The label considered their 1992 debut album a flop and refused to financially support a tour or further recordings, but the band refused to give up. The self-financed Beacon Street Collection appeared in 1994 and did well enough to make things nice with Interscope, but the band was once again going through a traumatic period behind the scenes. Eric Stefani left to become an animator for The Simpsons and Gwen and bass player Tony Kanal's relationship had ended. Gwen wrote a collection of songs focused on heartbreak and rebirth that would become No Doubt's third album, Tragic Kingdom, and the rest, as they say, is history. For more slideshow photos of Gwen, click here. From VH1 Bio, Gwen Stefani, View The Music Artists Bio Online

Gwen Stefani's House For Sale, Photos - It's Fun To Take A Peek!

2008-04-07T15:57:00.000-07:00

We've loved Gwen since it was just little Gwen and her older brother Eric Stefani, a couple kids from Fullerton, CA. Eric started the band and their promotion of themselves consisted of posting stickers saying "NO DOUBT" on street signs, car bumpers, store fronts, they probably had friends that will willing to wear them on their foreheads. If it was stationary, it got sticker stuck. Besides the great photos that allow us sneak peaks inside the L.A. house for sale, the end of this post shares a bio of Gwen and No Doubt. If you are unfamiliar with their start up, spend a minute to read it. After all, she's 'just a girl' from Orange County, CA. Offered at $4,795,000 Truly one of the finest Mediterranean estates in Los Feliz, north of the boulevard. Originally built in 1928. Set behind gates and up a long private drive this gorgeous villa encompasses almost 5000 sq. ft on a lot size of more than 24,00 sq. ft (per assessor).Some of the features of this celebrity owned residence include• 2-story grand entry with sweeping wrought iron circular staircase and stenciled beams.• Step down living room with dramatic 25 ft. cathedral beamed ceiling and massive wood burning stone fireplace.• Dramatic stained glass atrium opens up to private courtyard.• Completely remodeled kitchen done to period with Malibu tile, top-of-the-line appliances, butlers sink and eat-in breakfast area. •Five bedrooms and four bathrooms.• Gorgeous Spanish tiled pool and spa with cascading waterfall• Private pool cabana. Outdoor sitting area and fireplace.• Media room complete with an automatic drop down movie screen and blackout shades.• 3-car garage and motor court. Info from realtor site. Listing Realtors Daniel And Judie Carson (tel (323) 671-2355 or write them at daniel.carson@sothebysrealty.com The Carsons have compiled a beautiful presention of the Los Angeles home and additionally would be pleased to set up a private showing. For more photos including exterior shots, Click For Slideshow

CasaSugar webpage offers numerous interior photos of the house for sale, click For Slideshow

For Gwen's bio and photos, click here

How Enabling Is This? Bug's First Easter

2008-03-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

This Is A Post That Originated On The KCI Anti-Meth Forum

By: LdyOfWzdm , Reprinted Here With Permission

Most of you know that my daughter abandoned her 7 month old granddaughter (Bug) with me back in Dec., Dec. 15th was the last time she's laid eyes or hands on this beautiful little girl, and I now have custody. Last week my daughter's PO called looking for her (at 8 am), as he hadn't seen her in as much time. I told him if I talked with her I would tell her to get in touch with him, and when she called last week I told her (even though I had told her the week before I found a note from him say the same on the door of the trailer house that she had also abandoned with all the furniture and shyt I had given her to set up home with Bug). She came down here with NOTHING but a baby in her belly and a BIG appetite! She called him this Tuesday and he told her she must come back down here and see him by this coming Monday or he would have a warrant issued for her arrest. So she told him she would be there. She told me about this but not once did she mention anything about visitation with Bug. She has talked with me on several occasions and did know how or when she would be down here to see him. She could have come Tuesday, yesterday, today, tomorrow, or Monday....HOW am I to know what she's going to do. She did asked if I would check the online court records to see if a failure to report or warrant had been filed. I DID...there wasn't that I could see. Today my husband had a check up at the Transplant Center where he received his liver and kidney transplants in Dec. 2005. This was the first time since the transplants that we received bad news (it had always been GREAT news). It looks as if the ugly dragon of HepC is back. He has to go in next Monday for a liver biopsy, to see just how much damage. When my daughter called today I told her about my husband having to have the biopsy on Monday and that I was going to have to find a sitter for Bug. I had forgotten all about her having to be down here by Monday. She had discussed nothing with me about visitation with Bug if and when she did come down. They only thing she said when I told her about my husband was (and in a very pissy way) Oh, so I wont be able to see my daughter. I told her I had forgotten about that, but I didn't have any thing to do with the scheduling by the hospital to do the procedure. She wanted to meet me in OKC that's about half way between where she lives and where her PO is, and take Bug with her to her PO and then bring her back to the hospital. LIKE THAT IS GONNA HAPPEN! She was pissed because I said NO. I said how are you getting down here (she doesn't have a vehicle), who's bringing you??????? She didn't know the answers to any of the questions, but still turned her not being able to see Bug around on ME! Or at least that's the way her attitude made me feel. So being the enabler that I am I told her I would call her PO and see if she could wait until Tuesday of next week to come see him, so we would be able to schedule her a visit with Bug....and I DID. Well I left him a message requesting that he give her one more day. Now why did I do that??? She hasn't seen Bug in over 3 months. Bug hasn't spent much time with her since her birth. Bug has lived with me since the day we brought her home from the hospital, and my daughter was back using with in 2 months. Even when my daughter was living her for the first 4 months she would spend most her time sleeping and I cared for Bug. Here I am feeling so confused. Wondering why I keep doing things like this for my daughter...and second wondering why I question myself for doing it...because I feel I do it because I love her, and I want her Bug to know her mother. My feelings are also hurt that my daughter didn't express any sympathy or concern for my husband of over 10 years, or for me and my pain of possibly facing liver failure with him again.

Mostly just venting,

Lady

There Were Numerous Comments In Response To This Post, in addition to my response that is shown here. (Click to go to KCI Anti-Meth Forum For Entire Posting)

Lady, You Have Your Hat On The Right Way! You seem to be moving in a positive direction with ceasing enabling - getting to the point of trying to figure out what the 'triggers' are. I agree with 'LO' (one of the other people who had posted a helpful response). We do tend to continue habits that numb the hurt somehow, even if they are not healthy. I hit hard learning how to discontinue my enabling. After a couple years trying, trying, trying .....not understanding, the pain seemingly only growing larger than life, one situation finally occurred that 'was too much'. First I tried to kill myself with an entire bottle of xanax, along with glass of milk (somewhere I thought I needed to keep from vomiting unconsciously). When I awoke 18 hours later still alive, my husband broke the bedroom door down to find me with one of his rifles trying to position myself. Addiction is such a demon including the demons it infests in the families of the addict. I have never in my life been suicidal, but I wanted out of the pain in that particular situation, it was finally too much. I did get involuntarily hospitalized, slept alot and participated in a bit of the therapy. But I didn't need it, so much as my studing of enabling, my years of trying to keep my 'good mom hat' on correctly all came together for me. From that day on, I decided that I was worth living for and it has been easier to keep my hat on my head. I learned my 'good mom hat' would not fit correctly if I allowed my own family (my kid) to destroy me, to destroy what I was, who I was. I sure support your efforts for your grandchild and for your child. Girlfriend, I'd say watch out for balance, as you seem to be. Balance in our own heads and minds helps us keep our 'good mom and good grandmother hats' on straight.

Patricia

PatriciaLynne12@aol.com

Sarahjoy & Living

MY KID IS THREE YEARS CLEAN OF USING - GOD D*AMN RIGHT ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY

2008-03-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

Justin Hunt, filmmaker/producer of "American Meth" the movie, signed a cd for Sarahjoy in honor of her being three years clean. He wrote, "To Sarahjoy, for her third year. Keep up the good work. Justin"

For more information on the "American Meth" movie, click here.

Send wishes and comments to Sarahjoy, by clicking comments button below. She appreciates your support; her comment about it: "Recovery Is Not For The Weak."

She's Out Of Our Lives Again .......

2008-03-28T04:52:00.000-07:00

Following is a posting from an anonymous mother of an adult addict: Haven't been here in a while. I am the Mom of a daughter who is 32. I was going to fill you all in on the details about her, but that's not important. We don't know where she is, once again, and it very difficult for me...I worry and then I worry some more. I think I could call some numbers that I have and maybe find out where she is...I guess the question I have is, should I do that? I then would at least know she is alive...not alive and well but just alive.

Thanks.

This is my comment back and note of support:

"GRAPPLING"

I apologize for my duplication, I have written this previously.

I am a mother of a recovering addict, 28 years old, 3 years clean. But, during her use. ............. I hurt so bad, prayed constantly, couldn't stop thinking of her if you gave me a million dollars. The pain of losing my best friend/daughter was killing me, and it almost did.

I advocate doing some calling if you want, but you have to be careful not to get too wrapped up in her. It is your daughter who will get clean or not. She is avoiding you for one reason because addicts KNOW they are behaving wrong and instinctively go underground, vs. alcoholics don't see it the same way, alcohol is legal, there is more 'normie' use of alcohol, etc. so they don't hide. She is also avoiding you because she is suffering intense shame from what she is doing and doing to you. As long as you can call, knowing that it is 'reminder that you'll help drive her to rehab,' etc. and not a way to find out about her or influence her somehow, then its cool. But, if in your heart, you know, you are calling to do anything, that just is grappling - give it up and read a book to help get inner peace, even for a few moments.

This is the often told story with my daughter: I hit hard learning how to discontinue my enabling. After a couple years trying, trying, trying .....not understanding, the pain seemingly only growing larger than life, one situation finally occurred that 'was too much'. First I tried to kill myself with an entire bottle of xanax, along with glass of milk (somewhere I thought I needed to keep from vomiting unconsciously). When I awoke 18 hours later still alive, my husband broke the bedroom door down to find me with one of his rifles trying to position myself. Addiction is such a demon including the demons it infests in the families of the addict. I have never in my life been suicidal, but I wanted out of the pain, that particular situation. I did get involuntarily hospitalized, slept a lot and participated in a bit of the therapy. But I didn't need it. My study of enabling, my years of trying to keep my 'good mom hat' on correctly all came together for me. From that day on, I decided that I was worth living for and it has been easier to keep my hat on my head. I learned my 'good mom hat' would not fit correctly if I allowed my own family (my kid) to destroy me, to destroy what I was, who I was.

I sure support your efforts for your daughter. Girlfriend, I'd encourage try to watch out for balance. Somedays that is easier than others, of course. Balance in our own heads and minds helps us keep our 'good mom hats' on straight.

Best to you.

Patricia PatriciaLynne12@aol.com

Sarahjoy & Living (My Kid's 3 Years Clean Of Using Meth)

April 7, 2008 7:15 PM

Following Is A Note Of Support/Comment, From Luvepiphany to me:

Mornin! I am glad you posted a little exerpt of your story for the mom worried about her daughter this morning. The new gal, jshmom, needs to hear it too. If you have time, please read through her posts. She reminds me of you and of me, I think you'll see it too. She could use some of you experience strength and hope as we all do.

luv

Luvepiphany

April 7, 2008 7:24 PM

I don't think being an addict means you had bad upbringing

2008-03-24T05:42:00.000-07:00

This is a blog post started by keepitsimpleforme on the KCI Anti-Meth site, one of my favorite sites. Keepitsimpleforme's name is Susan, she's 40, female, from Loganville, GA. The KCI site is a great meth resource site for us normies struggling with a friend or family member in addiction, for addicts and for recovering addicts also. It is user-friendly, but as honest as it can be about the ugliness of the drug, so I keep it 'on my desktop' as an aid.

I Don't Think Being An Addict Means You Had Bad Upbringing

The other topic we were talking about -- treatment, etc. and why some people get better some don't. And, how some people are already screwed up and so they have a harder time with recovery. Well, it got me thinking about a very good friend of mine. She is a BAD alcoholic. I haven't spoken to her in months. I basically had to cut her off because it got to where she was calling my house drunk and wanting to come stay there (because her husband was kicking her out again and her parents won't let her there either). Or her husband was calling me to come get her becasue she was drunk again. Which I did a few times trying to "help" her. This girl was a cheerleader in high school. Beautiful girl. Very funny with a very fun loving personality. Basically everybody loved her. Her parents were the nicest people too. They both worked full time and had a very nice home. I spent alot of time there and we also went on family vacations together. No drugs, no fighting, no tension. Very loving grounded people. Well, my friend was a partier as we all were. But, for whatever reason --- she couldn't shake it. She lost custody of her kids. Was arrested many times for domestic violence and public drunkeness. Got 2 dui's within a 24 hour period --- WHILE running away from a halfway house no less. Drove her kids around drunk. Got caught on video camera stealing wine from an Eckerds. Terrible stuff. I don't understand. She was a very well adjusted individual. But, she liked to party. And, ultimately -- she was and is a severe alcoholic. I went to visit her in rehab and she told me she knew she'd never stop drinking. I thought --- but LOOK at your life! She said "I like my wine". I also have a cousin who was a major alcoholic/drug addict. She had 2 kids. They had to basically take care themselves because she'd get drunk or high and pass out. They are doing outstanding today. Both married with kids, no drinking, no drugs. Both graduated college. So, does it really matter whether or not someone is well adjusted or not? Or are some people just the unlucky ones who have this "thing" in them that compels them to drink/do drugs to the point of their own self destruction?

To continue with this post and read the comments, click here.

My Inspiration For Staying Clean

2008-03-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to show off my boy. This is from KCI-Anti Meth Group, Metheart

Miracles Are At Work Here ..... More Hope For Loved Ones!

2008-03-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

My note to 'MLG' - MLG, thanks for sharing & do you mind ..... do you mind if I post your letter on my blog, I can post it exactly or with complete anonymity, if you like. it is a goosebump story. Patricia PatriciaLynne12@aol.com Sarahjoy & Living (My Kid's Almost 3 Years Clean Of Meth)

MLG's note to Me Patricia, be my guest, AND any others here who would like to post. I know as a loved one, we grasp on any flicker of hope we can get. I was truly a "smoldering flax" until I finally surrendered FULLY

Miracles are at work here...More hope for loved ones!

I have to share this...Two years ago at this time, I thought my daughter was probably dead. Hadn't heard/seen her in about a year. She was very, very sick from meth, after 15 yrs. of drug abuse/alcohol addiction. Today, as I write this, she has just been employed by a rehab ranch outside of town. It's very beautiful in a gorgeous setting. She will live there rent free, and be trained on the job to be a certified addiction counselor. Her personal Sponsor knew the woman that runs the place, and recommended our daughter. It is 12-Step based, and also embraces a lot of Native American philosophy, which our daughter has also been embracing. They focus on 2 things hugely: Proper Nutrition and testing the Neurotransmitters in the brains of the addicts there. I heard about this in a forum last Sept. and was impressed with the new focus on brain chemicals and lack there of that can be a huge contributor to addiction. Also, they ask that the employees do not smoke! Our daughter has lately embraced vegetarianism, however, the smoking will be tough. She has been smoking American Spirits lately and really does want to stop. The woman said they will help her with it. Anyway, just thought I'd share that JUST FOR TODAY, small miracles are happening. Two years ago, I was fantasizing about her funeral. mlg

This original post is from KCI Anti-Meth Site, to read it and the follow up comments, click here.

Consequences From Addiction Hit Our Family Hard Today

2008-03-08T02:08:00.000-08:00

From: KCI.org Methamphetamine Abuse

I've posted before about my nephews and their problems with drug addiction, and their addict dad.

Two years ago my oldest nephew plea bargained a paraphernalia and possession charge down to probation. About a year ago he left Texas without permission, stopped paying his fees, stopped reporting. He didn't even tell my sister goodbye, or call her for over a year. He went to live with his addict Dad in Louisiana.

Last month he got picked up in Arizona (was there on a job) and was extradited back to Texas.

Today he plea bargained the 3 and a half year prison sentence that was the automatic penalty for violating probation down to 120 days.

So my 21 year old nephew will be spending the next 4 months in the Texas Prison system (Huntsville).

His younger brothers aren't doing much better. Both of them got picked up (together) 2 weeks ago for truancy and paraphernalia, and both tested positive for drugs. They are 15 and 17. The 15 year old just got out of Juvie (for 18 months) in December. This is a probation violation for him, as well, so he'll likely be going back to TYC. When he came home in December, he said he was "done" and never wanted to go back. I believe him that he meant what he said. I know it is not because these boys are bad or flawed or hopeless. They are addicts. They are compelled to behave this way because they don't know how to make a different choice when the going gets tough.

I'm trying to be there for my sister as best that I know how. She's to the point that she is numb. The pain of losing all 3 of her boys to the same lifestyle their Dad lives is too much for her.

While I knew they were struggling, and I knew this was always a possibility, it still leaves me with a feeling of shock. My nephew, who's diaper I changed, who's swing I pushed, who always had a hug for Aunt Lori is in prison.

I remember a while back someone posted about a board for family members of those in prisons. If someone could PM me that info, I'd really appreciate it.

Prison Talk Forums

There is a fourm specifically for people who have loved ones in prison. I visit this site on occasion and find the information there very useful and they have a good group of members in the various forums. HTH

How Can I Tell A Meth Addict's Symptons?

2008-03-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

COMMONLY ASKED METH QUESTIONS FROM KCI THE ANTI-METH SITE

American Meth Movie - Local Filmmaker Goes National

2008-02-27T07:26:00.001-08:00

Editor's Note: I moved from California to New Mexico, a cheaper place to live, after a divorce but had been familiar with small Farmington, New Mexico as we'd owned two rental homes there. Justin Hunt of Farmington, New Mexico has made a highly acclaimed movie 'American Meth,' covering a two year span, addressing how methamphetamine abuse is affecting communities in different parts of the country. His project illustrates the problem by looking at the lives of middle-aged meth addicts trying to raise four children. I am the mother of a 28-year old meth addict in recovery (almost three years) and believe this issue could not be more heart-wrenching and it is one affecting families all over our country. 'American Meth' is a must see movie.

Farmington Daily Times By James Monteleone The Daily Times Article Launched: 10/13/2007 10:13:01 PM MDT

When a Farmington man makes a feature-length movie, it's unique. When it successfully targets a national drug epidemic, it's fascinating. But when that film also manages to win critical acclaim nationwide, it's unprecedented. Justin Hunt and his documentary "Ame rican Meth" brought

home top awards from three national film fests in recent weeks. "I think it kinda shocked everybody," Hunt said of the film's recent notoriety. Those awards included "Best Documentary" at the prestigious Cinema City International Film Festival in Los Angeles; "Most Socially Engaging" at the Eugene (Oregon) International Film Fest; and second place in "Best Cultural Issues" at the (Missoula) Montana CINE International. American Meth, which was written, directed, edited and produced by Hunt over two years, addresses how methamphetamine abuse affects communities in different parts of the country. It illustrates the problem by looking at the lives of middle-aged meth addicts trying to raise four children. The film is narrated by famed veteran actor Val Kilmer, a New Mexico resident. "It's a human story and that's what appeals to people, whether they're in Montana or Los Angeles," Hunt said. "It was just interesting to see how engaging it was in all three locations because those are three extremely different dynamics," (To continue this article, click here.)

History Of Meth - From American Meth Movie

2008-02-27T05:19:00.001-08:00

From American Meth By most accounts, amphetamine first came to be in the late 1880s, after it was synthesized in Germany. At the time, it was a drug looking for a disease. It stayed that way until 1919, when a Japanese pharmacologist developed a derivative, known as Methamphetamine. The drug was harvested and used for a multitude of over-the-counter purposes, including asthma and narcolepsy. Meth was used in the 1930s on bomber pilots to maintain their alertness. It’s also been said the drug was given to kamikaze pilots and Nazi troops during the invasions of Poland and Russia. It’s been noted, as well, that Adolf Hitler received daily injections of meth from 1942 until his death in 1945. A meth epidemic hit post war Japan in the mid 1940’s, and spread to Guam and the U.S. Marshall Islands. In the 1950s, Meth was legally marketed in the United States as Benzedrine, used to fight obesity, narcolepsy and sinus inflammation. “Pep Pills” or “Bennies” were also being used on the social front by truck drivers and college students. Things took a drastic turn in the 1960s. It was during that time that meth made it’s way into the underground market and found a home in the growing biker gang population. In 1970, the Controlled Substances Act restricted the use of injectable meth, and the race to find a new way to get it began. Primitive meth labs began to appear and have continued to evolve, as has the drug. The once water-soluble drug that was taken in the pill form has progressed to a refined concoction that is more than 99% pure and more than six times more powerful. Mega labs, most of which are said to originate in Mexico, have begun to dissolve the need for the home lab, and can produce hundreds of pounds at a time.

Letters From KCI Anti-Meth Site

2008-02-25T05:03:00.000-08:00

~ Warning - Some letters may "trigger" crystal meth users. ~

My sister who is 42 is a meth addict - She would love it if she could lead a normal life but she can't say no to meth. She has always been weak where drugs or alcohol is concerned. She was an alcoholic and used to abuse by men. Her 1st husband commited suicide and within a month she was using Ist smoking and then injecting it. Ater a year she lost her son and alot else. After spending 3 months in jail for child support non payment she came out clean. I couldn't believe it My little sister was back. It didn't take 2 months and she lost 30 lbs and shows all the signs of back on meth. Meth has affected us all terribly. She now lives with our mother who has her child. She lies and well, still steals. But we can't get my mom to quit enabling her.(To continue reading this letter, click here, this is first letter on site)

Meth Killed My Son - Numerous people write in about the devastation of meth, I want to write about my son, who died cause of meth. Jeff was 25 when he died, he had moved out 15 months earlier, he was in college, he was an artist, he was witty, clever, glib, sarcastic, incredibly smart. He was athletic, he break-danced, he was a barber, everyone loved him. I didn't know my son was on drugs, he didn't steal from me, he hid it from his brother and when I saw him he acted normal. I never had a chance to even try to help him, and I would of done anything to try and save him had I known. After he died I heard the story from many of his friends.... (To continue reading this story, click here, this is about eighth letter on site.)

From:

KCI The Anti-Meth Site

Fall Out Boy, 'Little Bunny Foo Foo' & Hoodies

2008-02-23T04:18:00.000-08:00

From Rolling Stone Magazine, With Pete Wentz Of Fall Out Boy By AUSTIN SCAGGS What do you collect? I love Transformers. I used to collect hardcore records, but I don't take very good care of them, so actual collectors would make fun of me. I'm kind of a hoodie collector. I have two years' worth of hoodies, wearing a different one every day.

Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz

momentarily forgets

the lyrics to a song and

launches into

"Little Bunny Foo Foo"

to distract the crowd

onstage in Manchester, U.K.,

April 3rd. Fall Out Boy

Photo by

Shirlaine Forrest/WireImage.com

Why do you love hoodies? A lot of people in the hardcore scene used to wear them. It's also like a comfort blanket. Long after I started wearing them, my manager told me that Bob Dylan would wear hoodies on tour. And when the hoodie was up, you couldn't talk to him. I was like, "That's fucking a amazing!"

DON'T DO DRUGS

Because If You Do Drugs

You'll Go To Jail

And Drugs Are Expensive in Jail

Sarahjoys Shop

What other musician's T-shirt do you badly want? I don't know him well, but I saw Adam [Levine] from Maroon 5 in a store wearing a Prince Purple Rain T-shirt. It looked tattered, definitely from the era, and I wish I owned it. I actually just stole an old Thriller T-shirt from a photo shoot. It was on the rack -- for another band -- but I put it on, put a jacket over it and walked out. I seriously just stole it.

The T-Shirt Layer (An Important Layer)

2008-02-23T03:23:00.000-08:00

From StyleDash: by Annie Scott with editor notes from Patricia Loya.

It's winter. In winter, one wears lots of sweaters. How does one avoid itchiness? One wears a t-shirt under their sweater. One also benefits from the added warmth of the t-shirt layer.

This t-shirt layer is an important layer. What if you find yourself doing some heavy lifting and have to remove your sweater? You don't want to be in that pit stained Calvin Klein undershirt your ex left at your house six years ago. Awkward.

No. The t-shirt layer is a perfect excuse for secret snarkege. Wearing a funny t-shirt under your sweater is akin to wearing your A-game underwear when you don't have a date. It's just a little something special. It doesn't matter if no one sees it. It enriches your experience of the day--and isn't that what style is all about?

Where oh where should you buy snarky t-shirts? Our pick is anything from Sarahjoys Shop, number one because alot of their stuff is addiction and recovery related and funny, number two is because we made it and number three is because we love you to support our Shop!)

Mice On Drugs

2008-02-22T09:55:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you how meth makes users feel 'high' . . . . (like I really care, I'm thinking .....)

We'll review how drugs disrupt the synapse ..... (blah blah blah blah is all I'm hearing) ...... Take a look inside the brains of mice on drugs .......... (errghhhhh??? Did he say 'mice on drugs?')

According to The New Science Of Addiction, from the Genetic Science Learning Center at the University of Utah, drug addiction is a chronic disease characterized by changes in the brain which result in a compulsive desire to use a drug.

A combination of many factors including genetics,

environment and behavior influence a person's addiction

risk, making it an incredibly complicated disease.

The New Science Of Addiction considers all of these factors - from biology to family - to unravel the complexities of the addicted brain. The Genetic Science Learning Center discusses natural reward pathways that exist in the brain, that the reward pathway is responsible for driving our feelings of motivation, reward and behavior.

Research it, if you like...... Have had it. However, I liked the easier to understand cartoon pictoral diagram that is also offered by the Learning Center, you can visit it by clicking the following link (turn your sound on) entitled: ~ ~ MOUSE PARTY ~ ~

And, have a good day!

Not A Mouse Party By Patricia

2008-02-21T11:09:00.000-08:00

I was married to an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic (he eventually shot himself) and as is discussed in this blog, my daughter is a recovering addict. Back to the 'not a mouse party'. I didn't know my husband was an alcoholic. Other people did, first. The girlfriend on the phone would be alarmed that I would have to go check the husby who falls asleep in the bathtub, to make sure he hasn't drown. After his numerous refills of scotch (from me, at his request), he'd eventually always fall asleep and if I tried to remove the half-empty glass, he'd wake insisting on finishing it. He'd burn food, forgetting he'd started cooking. He'd usually not need food, he had his drink. My kid interventioned him herself by picking him up in her dooley one day (having gotton him a bed at a sober living house). At 5'2," maybe 100lbs. dripping wet, Sarahjoy holds her own and then some. She tells me she introduced him to the house manager and drove off telling him, "Sober up or lose your family. Sober up or lose your relationship with me." I still really didn't know even then that was an alcoholic. Timing. Timing is important. All these years later, now I remember him telling me that another resident at the sober living house was surprised that 'someone like my husby' was in a place like that (high-paying job, family who loved him, house, car, etc.) and that he 'better get his shit together' before he lost everything. But he didn't and after I finally left him, our two rental homes went into foreclosure, our home mortgage is $16,000 behind in payments and he seems to not be working. I now often use the principles from the AA twelve steps programs. To me they are spiritual, plain-sense concepts or beliefs that anybody could benefit from. When I left, I took clothes, my computer and one of the dogs, Christopher, then a puppy, and drove to New Mexico. Our two rental homes were located in Farmington and I'd learned enough to know that California was no longer an option for me, and New Mexico was affordable and an adventure. Since then I've gone back and gotton my artwork, so the dog and I are living in a studio apartment surrounded by my beautiful artwork, it really is nice. I will make it; it ain't a mouse party. These a real doings.

Letting Go

2008-02-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

My kid’s had the palomino job for over a year now, it puts food in her tummy and gas in her dooley. It’s that job with security, the one you don’t wanna’ let go of, not because you love it, but because it pays the bills. It originally came about when Sarahjoy was building a hunter jumper training business along with a friend/partner. (For more info, see Hunter-Jumper News.) She accepted it because it was good money, very good money, but a long drive and more so, it was pride- swallowin' - - the palomino work would be training western style (cough cough, ghads!). I know ….. hey, it’s all done on a horse, what’s the big deal . . . but the similarity ends there. She’s good at training horses and the palomino and its owner sorely appreciates her. The hunter jumper sport is performed for competition over obstacles (quantities of them, at varying difficulties) consisting of raised poles, hills, ponds with the horse and rider being judged for quality and speed; whereas this palomino job is gettin' her outta' bed early for a long drive, puttin' on her wranglers, ropers, cowboy hat and ridin' . . . cowboy-like. Again, money. So, Sarahjoy had been doing this Monday job along with her then regular training position job and as quickly as any horse can buck you off to the ground, that training partnership biz abruptly ended; and Sarahjoy found herself borrowing the corner of a friend's sofa for use as a bed, using clothes for covers while the window it was located next to was cracked and broken, in the coldest days of winter. Now a job is a great job when you have no job and so in addition to doin’ that palomino job, she worked her program (narcotics anonymous) like it was ‘goin out of style,’ getting herself back to being 100% healthy and functioning; basically, she persevered and it was hard at times to remember her dream. Time has passed and she called me, today. Sarahjoy is calling her mom, as she's driving the two-hour trek, one way to that palomino job. After 17 years of riding, after almost being 3 years clean of drugs, this year saw Sarahjoy get that dream job, that dream training job and she’s been doing it well. She's finally at the place where ‘her training barn’ is filled - where her students are electric with learning and empowerment. Success at the new job is overwhelming, innumerable hours and provides her with another new experience. She says she's exhausted and I know that she is and she wants me to know she is finally ready to give the palomino owner her 2 week notice as we discuss how the loyalty and sincerity was such that the palomino horse and owner had become a gift. She tells me the palomino job fed her literally for so long, that despite she got this new position, how do you give it up something like that? Further, how do you trust that it is gonna’ be ok and leave a position where you were believed in so much, when few did. When is it safe to let go…. We enjoy the wonderfulness of this moment, my kid and I. When your dreams are being realized and not just 'in sight,' you can and should let go with much grace that western palomino horse and owner, who believed in you. Let go so that you can grasp firmly your future. Sarahjoys mom, Patti

Sarahjoys Shop was originally started with drug recovery designs, but here are some samples of the other stuff - check it out.

Click For Sarahjoys Shop Cowgirl Theme Designs

Click For Just Darn' Cute Sarahjoys Shop 'Hottie Girl Apparel'

Valentines Day - Kiss And Hug Like Crazy!

2008-02-10T06:16:00.000-08:00

No matter how little or big, girls love gifts. Take a look at some of these, aren't they darling!

Gifts For The Lil' Girls Girls Rule Boys Drool Onesie Lil' Cutie Onesie Future Rock Star Bib I Love Blue Horses Throw Pillow Sarahjoys Shop For Kids

Gifts For Girls Plaid Heart PJ Tank Heart Hipster Bikini Plaid PJ Pant Mirror Necklace Gifts For Big Girls Beaded Silk Gown

Lil' Sis And The Cowgirl

2008-01-16T16:50:00.000-08:00

She's just a lucky cowgirl. She grew up and gets to do her passion, riding horses. It's a little more than that, of course, but the kid basically as a hunter-jumper trainer teaches other riders who want to learn to ride or improve their riding and trains the horses by riding the horses herself also.

Sarahjoy bred her mare and a perfect little foal was born, which she of course named Perfect C. She always nicknames her horses, so Perfect C, is really called 'Sis' or 'Lil' Sis'.

Foals learn 80% of what they need to survive in the first few hours and days after birth, so newborn Sis through a process called imprinting was taught to lay comfortably in Sarahjoy's lap, wear a baby horse halter and form a bond. Because of the imprinting, they've developed a relationship where Sis never really had to be 'broken,' to be ridden the first time. Sarahjoy was always the trusted herd leader and grown up Sis today literally responds to just the touch of a finger.

Recently Sis came back from being out at pasture, recovering from an injury and the horse and trainer were overjoyed.

Little Sis had matured, developing more muscle and strength, and Sarahjoy had gone from an assistant training position to 'head honcho' at a significant training facility where she was riding bigger and more talented horses six days a week.

She tells me the story days later, she says she's sore all over, that she'd worn a white sweater and light colored breeches (that she never wears, reminding me, 'you know that,' and I mentally agree with her). Sis had been gone for six months and she got excited, the two were out together. I'm seeing muddy clothes in my mind when she tells me the weather was unusual, the grounds were mucky because a storm had recently pounded the area.

Sis was so happy, coming out of her skin she was so excited when she saw the jumps but was told, 'No, you can't jump today.'

At 5-1/2 years, she's actually not a huge size horse, so Sarahjoy, my 28-year old daughter, totally took her for granted, they were just gonna' walk her around, but Sis started getting a little crazy, she started a lil' buck, did a crow hop and a couple small bucks, wanting to go 'bucking bronco'. Sarahjoy's thinking, 'yeah, yeah,' all at walk.

She did a couple jump-off-the-ground spin-deal spheels and still Sarahjoys thinking, 'ha ha ha, that was funny,' Sis' excitement growing and then BAM! she was off! At one point Sarahjoy realized, 'she's gonna buck me off,' because she was getting quicker and she was figuring out what wasn't working and getting cattier. She said she didn't climb off, should have, didn't. Two pupils were watching from different directions, one kid saying later, 'she tried to buck you off; when it didn't work, she decided to try the rear-spin buck thing.'

The other kid said, 'yeah, its really hard when they do that.'

Because Sarahjoy had broken the young horse when she was young Sis had a hard time with balance sometimes because she 'gave everything' at such a young age. Sis learned that day that she is bigger and she's stronger. It's so easy to do things now 'with balance,' it's easy and Sis feels empowered.

So she continues to tell me, 'Mom, my lil mare grew muscles she didn't knew she had and knocked me in the mud,' and she added that she was banned from text messaging while riding, which she'd also been doing, and had broken the outside screen on her flip phone.

That is my kid, the little cowgirl.

For more information on imprinting, click here Dr. Miller & Imprint Training Of The Newborn Foal

Brad Renfro's Death

2008-01-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

I don't know what ultimately killed 25 year old actor Brad Renfro. I do know he was hugely talented. I do know that more recently he'd become more famous for his arrest in Los Angeles' Skid Row area, when he attempted to buy heroin from an undercover officer, than for his acting abilities and credits. I can probably add that there are family and friends whose lives will never be the same, due to his death. As a mother of a recovering addict, I ache for this young man's family. Addiction doesn't only affect the user, it affects every person who loves him. From: By JACOB ADELMAN, AP Posted: 2008-01-16 09:40:21 Photos of the young star can be seen here, click.

How To Talk To Girls At Parties - Short Story By Neil Gaiman

2008-01-12T06:54:00.000-08:00

"Come on," said Vic. "It'll be great." "No, it won't," I said, although I'd lost this fight hours ago, and I knew it. "It'll be brilliant," said Vic, for the hundredth time. "Girls! Girls! Girls!" He grinned with white teeth. We both attended an all-boys' school in south London. While it would be a lie to say that we had no experience with girls -- Vic seemed to have had many girlfriends, while I had kissed three of my sister's friends -- it would, I think, be perfectly true to say that we both chiefly spoke to, interacted with, and only truly understood, other boys. Well, I did, anyway. It's hard to speak for someone else, and I've not seen Vic for thirty years. I'm not sure that I would know what to say to him now if I did. We were walking the backstreets that used to twine in a grimy maze behind East Croydon station -- a friend had told Vic about a party, and Vic was determined to go whether I liked it or not, and I didn't. But my parents were away that week at a conference, and I was Vic's guest at his house, so I was trailing along beside him. "It'll be the same as it always is," I said. "After an hour you'll be off somewhere snogging the prettiest girl at the party, and I'll be in the kitchen listening to somebody's mum going on about politics or poetry or something." "You just have to talk to them," he said. "I think it's probably that road at the end here." He gestured cheerfully, swinging the bag with the bottle in it. "Don't you know?" "Alison gave me directions and I wrote them on a bit of paper, but I left it on the hall table. S'okay. I can find it." "How?" Hope welled slowly up inside me. "We walk down the road," he said, as if speaking to an idiot child. "And we look for the party. Easy." I looked, but saw no party: just narrow houses with rusting cars or bikes in their concreted front gardens; and the dusty glass fronts of newsagents, which smelled of alien spices and sold everything from birthday cards and secondhand comics to the kind of magazines that were so pornographic that they were sold already sealed in plastic bags. I had been there when Vic had slipped one of those magazines beneath his sweater, but the owner caught him on the pavement outside and made him give it back. (To continue reading this article, click here)

(To access the entire short story directly from Neil Gaiman's site (and be introduced to alot of Neil's other great work) click here: How To Talk To Girls At Parties (Text)

ALSO NEIL'S WORK - Book and Movie - The Magic Of Stardust! http://www.stardustmovie.com/

To order DVD from Amazon.Com,

click Stardust (Full Screen Edition)

Addict Kid Learns 'Steps' Are Spiritual

2008-01-05T07:17:00.000-08:00

My kid is behaving spiritually. Who would'da thought!

When your kid is mired in the horribleness of meth addiction, hope is seemingly impossible. Healing from drug addiction is bigger than anything. Healing from addiction is extraordinarily difficult. You have no control over it. Most parents would sacrifice themselves to secure recovery from addiction for their child.

So . . fast forward and now my kid has reached a point in her sobriety, in her recovery from drugs which is almost three years, where she's using spiritual life concepts. Check this out: I am told by her that she is not only asking her Higher Power for guidance and assistance; but, she is praying for the person with whom she is experiencing significant conflict. A particular situation, I understand, was becoming especially difficult for her, so much that she sought out and discussed it with her NA sponsor. She was advised to pray for this person. Not only pray, but specifically pray that he receive all the blessings in life that he desires. You could have picked my jaw up off the floor, I was so surprised. SPIRITUAL STUFF! PRAYER STUFF! THE SPIRITUAL ASPECT IS COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED BUT WELCOME AND HUGE! I have read til I am blue in the face about AA and NA. Both of these programs teach that you should come to a point where you realize and accept you have lost control over your life and you need help, that any form of self-healing hasn't worked. Indeed it isn't even possible because will power will fail. The addict is then taught to really seek to get better you need to turn your life over to a Higher Power. On paper this is a significant concept. Watching it firsthand at a NA meeting is astounding. Narcotics Anonymous meetings are anonymous, but in general let me share a few observations. Drug addicts differ from alcoholics in that by the time an addict gets to a point where he's seeking help, he's likely lost everything. He's destroyed all relationships, he's sold everything, he's stealing, he may be on probation awaiting drug-related criminal sentencing. Alcoholics often seek help before they succumb to this point in their addiction. Drugs like meth will cause a mother to lock herself in a bathroom for hours or even days while she gets high, leaving her children alone in the house, scratching and pounding against a closed door. Soon this mother and children will be homeless, soon there is no more door to scratch and pound on.

Resolving to quit this lifestyle and 'try to be a good mother' is beyond an addict's control. When one seeks out recovery and attends his first NA meeting, his or her life is broken. To me, the significance of this cycle distinguishes NA. Addicts learn how to resolve conflict and seek to improve their lives through the 12 Step process. Practicing the 12 Step principles is similar to attending church. My recovering addict kid is practicing her religion. Good for her. Thank you, God (Higher Power).

(For more information on the 12 step program and how the spiritual nature of it assures success for the addict, Click here .)

Recovery In Malibu

2007-12-23T12:13:00.000-08:00

She'd called me - her mom - at my home in New Mexico, while she was driving to beautiful Malibu Beach (California). She's working in the LA area so this Malibu is just some 40 miles away. Sarahjoy talked of driving to meet with a sponsee who is in a recovery center there. Telling first of job stuff and exhaustion, she joked that she 'hopes this sponsee appreciates her efforts.' But in an instant, my maturing recovering addict kid reminds her mom that

'to keep the program we have to give it away.'

Sarahjoy is helping herself stay alive and clean of using by giving away to others recovery principles that she is learning herself. Cool.

As often said, the best way

to learn something is to teach it.

Patricia

Responsibility - My Kid's Gettin' It

2007-11-26T11:29:00.000-08:00

My daughter called from her apartment about a medical bill she'd received. She'd seen the doctor a few months back but had panicked that it amounted to $2,000. For normies, a bill in the mail for $2,000 is unsettling. For a recovering addict it can be a trigger, something that instantly generates or provokes a strong desire/need to use a drug.

Instead, she called the medical offices to make arrangements to pay, and was graciously told her bill would be reduced to one third of the original amount, due to her efforts.

The action of calling to try to establish payment is just huge. It is progress. This is so much progress. Narcotics Anonymous, thank you!

My kid is almost 3 years clean and she is paying her own bills, and showing progress across all levels. This is major news for those parents who still have children under meth's power. My notes I scribbled from the telephone call with this recovering addict kid of mine say this:

"payin bills, $2,000 bill, do you remember it?"

"doctor cuz' dizzy, heartbeat going fast, and skipping"

"OMG"

"empowering, awesome"

"delayed growin up"

"wanted to do 'retail therapy' but knew didn't really need anything, made a healthy choice instead"

When the life of your child (and consequently the life of your family) is destroyed by drugs and addiction, you don't know if there is hope, if so, how much hope is there, and how big can your hope be.

Well, this is good news and I wanted to share it.

Patricia

For More Info On Recovery: What Is Recovery By New York State Department Of Alcoholism & Substance Abuse Services

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Holidays Without My Kid

2007-11-16T05:57:00.000-08:00

This was originally posted on the Ezboard anti-meth, it is repeated here including comments. Christmas 2002 would be the last holiday season that I had with a 'clean' daughter, she's my 28 year old, now 2-1/2 years clean of meth, wonderful, I'm glad she's clean, I'm glad she's recovering so well, I'm just plain proud of her also. She'd be Sarahjoy.She'd also be my 28 year old, lucky to have survived and found a good sober living house. She'd be giving back alot to society. All this is good.

She's working in the profession which is her passion (she's back to training and competing on hunter / jumper horses). My kid, Sarahjoy.

We love each other desperately ~ always have, always will. We did so when she was using, did so when she entered the sober living house and when she re-entered the sober living house and stayed a year. We did so even as she chose her addict boyfriend over me, her mom. We did so when I cleaned her motel room after she'd been arrested. We did so when I tried to commit suicide two times over holidays of 2005 when the pain was way too unbearable to take any longer.

She's my only child so I can't compare her independencing under the influence with normal independencing (growing up). This 'under the influence' and recovery has required both of us to love each other but hold on tightly to our own needs and boundaries.Boundaries for her include always working her program, always looking for serenity. Boundaries for me have included doing anything and giving anything to her, to learning how to not do everything and not give everything to her.

At the holidays I hope it is the one time of year that I can enjoy having my daughter. At the holidays for her it is especially a time of year she has to stay close to her sobriety touchpoints, sober friends and safe-feeling environments.At the holidays especially (not that there is any other time either) I love my daughter and tell myself every 10 minutes or so, it's the disease. It's the disease. The disease has done this. She loves me, I love her. It is the damn disease.

It is both our responsibilities to remain safe and survive the holidays.Perhaps there are others who I might be able to help at this holiday season, cuz I have extra time ..........

Patricia

Imgetinrite Forum FriendPosts: 1745(11/16/07 8:27 am)Reply Daughter

Good Morning!This post.. your post, hit a soft spot with me.I am the addict, and my Daughter is the loved one.My daughter is a lot younger then yours.. she is only 14.Here is where we are similar, The way we feel without our Children.For many years, I screwed my daughter out of time that should have been the greatest times of her life.When I was in active addiction, I never gave it much thought.... but now, in recovery, It kills me.I went many sober Christmas's without my daughter because of my past actions, but was allowed to have her back 2 years ago for the Holiday, then I had her for a month this summer, and again i spent a few days with her last month.(we live 1100 miles apart)I am in a situation where I most likely will not be allowed to see her for the next 5 years due to my past actions while In addiction.As the addict in recovery, let me say this to you from your daughterIm sorry!When we get better, the guilt we carry for the hurt we put you through is overwhelming at times....Im sorry you wont have her on Christmas this year, I wont either.Look to the future with hope and faith in your heart, and one day.... she will be homeSorry to ramble, but your post made me feel like I had to replyKevin Edited by: Imgetinrite at: 11/16/07 8:53 am

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Harder They Fall Author Congratulates Sarahjoy

2007-03-05T12:03:00.000-08:00

When I first got clean and sober and started to construct a new life, which is now over twenty four years ago, one of the things I was most concerned with was that I thought my days of being hip and cool were over. Sobriety seemed like the squarest lifestyle imaginable. Little did I know that I would encounter the most creative, innovative and interesting people I've ever met, and this includes all those years when I thought being high was "it." About two years ago I was cruising the Internet when I chance encountered the website of a most remarkable young woman, by the odd name of Sarahjoy. After a bit of investigating I saw that she was touting her sobriety as well as her extraordinary creativity, with a line of "recoveryware" she was peddling. I'm not sure how we progressed from there, but we got in contact with each other and soon became buddies. Over the past couple of years I've written two books about recovery (The Harder They Fall: Celebrities Tell Their Real-Life Stories of Addiction and Recovery and Feeding the Fame: Celebrities Tell Their Real-Life Stories of Eating Disorders and Recovery") and when Sarahjoy heard about this she couldn't wait to read my work. Soon thereafter, in the mail one day a package arrived from Sarahjoy containing two mind boggling T-shirts. One said, "For God's Sake Don't Give Me Any Drugs!" and the other opined, "Don't Do Drugs , If You Do, You'll Go To Prison, and Drugs Are Expensive in Prison" (The logic of this last sentiment still escapes me.) At any rate, I wear these T-shirts proudly to my recovery meetings and always get asked about them, which gives me another opportunity to talk about my new, young friend. Sarahjoy, you have shared from your heart about your sobriety, and whatever the hell was going on with you. You are a wonderful example of what the sober life can bring and I commend you and honor your second anniversary. Keep going girl . . . You are a powerful example that it works. Love for sure, Gary Stromberg The Harder They Fall: Celebrities Tell Their Real-Life Stories of Addiction and Recovery

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Recovering Addict Not Putting Up With This Sh*t

2007-02-08T12:48:00.000-08:00

"You can stay if you want to Mom, but I worked too damn hard to get clean to put up with this sh*t from my own step-dad." Sarahjoy Approximately February 2007 Subscribe in a reader

Hunter Jumper Boots $1450

2007-01-07T07:10:00.000-08:00

These are my boots. I wear them only when I dressing to impress, otherwise known as a horseshow. My mom bought them for me for my 18th birthday (I’ll be 28 in April). The baby-calf leather tall boots were custom-made by Vogel. Cut and fit perfectly, they extend from the toe to just barely below my knee. Ten years ago, they cost $1100. In 2003, I helped out a horse-trainer friend who was unable to ride due to her pregnancy. At the time I was working a ‘real job’ (i.e., not horse related) some 48 hours a week. I rode six to eight horses a day four days a week until she had her baby. All this I did for free (I was trying to regain my amateur status at the time). As a thank you gift, I was given the spurs. The spurs are sterling-silver finish with intricate design detail and carry a sticker of $275. I ordered the spur straps, $45 and the chrome tack tag, with “Sarahjoy” engraved on it, $30. These boots have jumped a lot of jumps in ten years. At closer inspection you can see the scars from various crashes over the years, including the time I fell off of my Open Jumper Horse, the infamous Bootlegger. I am told he tried to avoid doing so, but when I was falling I still had hold of the reins which then pulled Bootlegger down with me. In reestablishing himself Bootlegger stepped on my armpit and ankle. Because this competition occurred in a grass footing arena, horses are fitted with steel studs in their shoes. (imagine golf cleats, but made of steel, fitted onto a horseshoe). So damage occurred to my jacket, my boots and of course, to me. There are stress cracks in the leather and a small sad hole on the right toe where my wonderful dog, Mister, thought that he just might try a taste. I understand that along with yacht racing and jumpers are the world’s most expensive sports. If you ever wondered where all the money gets spent in the horse industry, just imagine, if these boots go on my feet, how much do you think it costs for my derriere. Sincerely, From The Lover Of Good Boots, Sarahjoy

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12 Step Program Is A Spiritual Process (Continued)

2007-01-06T04:46:00.000-08:00

(This posting is continued from front page. To return, click here.) The following is from 12 Step Organization Webpage, which is not an official AA or NA site, but offers specific discussion of the spiritual aspect of 12 Step recovery.

Most of those who have succeeded in the Twelve Step Program attribute their success to its spiritual nature. These are the ones who thank God for their release from addiction slavery. They know their release was beyond their ability because they often sought their self-healing by will power. Will power always failed them. Freedom from addiction came only after they met the Twelve Step Program. The testimonies of those who have "made the program" always give credit for their success to their "Higher Power," who usually is called God as seen in Step Five. In my personal experience with the Twelve Step Program, I have found there are two important keys for improving our spiritual life and spiritual growth. First, I discovered a simple key was to properly take Step Three. Properly done, the step is simple. Properly done, it allows anyone to move quickly ahead with the Steps that follow. My experience is that those who did not "make the program" are those who never completed the third step. While the "Big Book" clarifies the key element of Step Three, reading the Step as it is written can confuse a new comer. The step says "We made a decision" but doesn't say what to do with that decision. I call this decision part Step Three (a). Step Three (b) is in the Big Book, page 63, paragraph two, lines 14-19. That paragraph offers wording for a prayer. Making a decision must be joined to knowing what to do with the decision. There must be action! Make your decision, then go to a private place. When alone, read the prayer on page 63. Can you pray this prayer to your higher power? You must if you are ever going to enjoy the benefits of the Twelve Step Program. The suggested prayer is: "God, I offer myself to you - to build me and do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your power, your love, and The Way of life. May I do your will always!" This is a prayer of surrender of yourself and all your rights and belongings to God to do with as he pleases. Because God is smarter than us, and loves us more than we love ourselves, he will always do a better job running our lives than we can do for ourselves. WARNING! ON REACHING THIS STEP, WE HAVE ADMITTED OUR PRIOR LIFE HAS BEEN OUT OF CONTROL AND WE HAVE NOT RECEIVED THE INTERNAL PEACE AND EXTERNAL SUCCESS WE HAVE BEEN SEEKING. WITH THIS PRAYER WE ARE ASKING OUR HIGHER POWER - OUR MAKER- TO REMAKE US INTO ANOTHER AND CHANGED PERSON. ARE YOU WILLING TO BE COMPLETELY CHANGED, TO FIND AND LIVE BY THE SPIRITUAL RULES OF CREATION, TO BE REMADE IN YOUR MAKER'S LIKENESS, BE GOD GUIDED, AND ACCEPT THE CHANGES THIS PRAYER WILL BRING INTO YOUR LIFE? TOTAL WILLINGNESS TO BE REMADE, AND TO FOLLOW GOD'S GUIDANCE, IS NECESSARY TO WIN THE ABUNDANT LIFE OUR MAKER - OUR HEAVENLY FATHER - PROMISES HIS CHILDREN. GOD IS DESCRIBED AS "HEAVENLY FATHER" IN THE BIG BOOK BY DR. BOB, p. 181. THERE HE WROTE, "YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN." SINCERELY OFFERED, THIS PRAYER WILL MAKE POWERFUL AND POSITIVE CHANGES IN YOUR PERSONALITY AND FUTURE LIFE. BILL W., IN THE BIG BOOK CALLS THIS BEING "REBORN"(p 63).

excerpt from 12 Step Organization Webpage.

American Meth - Local Filmmaker Goes National (continued)

2007-01-05T07:43:00.000-08:00

(Click to return to original page.) ..... he said of the different cities in which the film won awards. The film had previously won awards in the New Mexico Filmmakers Showcase and the TriMedia Film Festival in Fort Collins, Colo. "His screening was packed, and his Q&A especially — I think it lasted over an hour because people were just so intrigued and had so many questions regarding the issue," said Suzanne DeLaurentiis, the owner of the Cinema City Film Festival. "It was just heart wrenching to see the drug addiction in this country right now, especially with this drug in particular." DeLaurentiis said "American Meth" beat out nearly 30 other documentaries shown at the Los Angeles festival. More than 1,000 different films were considered by critics to be screened. Hunt's "American Meth" has participated in nine film festivals and is invited to at least seven more. The film is being made available on DVD and being considered for television broadcast by HBO and Showtime, Hunt said. Hunt, who has a background of broadcast journalism here in Farmington, first addressed the meth issue in a 2004 film, "Meth Monster." "Meth Monster" looked at the meth abuse problem on the oil and gas fields in San Juan County. That background allowed Hunt to address the problem from a national perspective. "With all due respect to Meth Monster,' that was for Farmington," Hunt said. "American Meth' is more than a movie, it's a movement. And that's becoming more and more apparent by the e-mails and the phone calls and the responses — that's what's so exciting about it." Kilmer's role in the film was significant in getting it noticed across the country. "It gets people's attention," Hunt said of Kilmer's participation in the film. It also validates it because if he's willing to be a part of it, it must be decent." Getting Kilmer on board the project was as simple as a phone call and an explanation of the film, before he agreed and arranged to narrate. "He's not the movie, but he brings a lot to it," Hunt said. The expensive and time consuming project was initially funded entirely by Hunt. Since then, the director has established the American Meth Foundation to help bear some of the high costs. The project has received significant donations from local companies and organizations including Aztec Well Service, San Juan Regional Medical Center and Piñon Hills Community Church. "I couldn't have done it without all of the support of the people here," Hunt said. "What I've been given is the currency of independent film making, which is people telling you you can do it, you're doing a great job and keep at it." Helping fund a project that has a chance of fighting a problem like meth makes donating a no-brainer, said Jason Sandel, a vice president of Aztec Well Service who has assisted Hunt in funding the project from the very beginning. "For some real change or some real effect to be coming about based on my support, and the support of my company, I'm just proud as can be," Sandel, who is also a Farmington city councilor, said. The film goes beyond what others have done, Hunt said. "Before American Meth,' people did meth movies but it was just dark and scary, and it was overwhelming," Hunt said. "But this one says, all right, it is scary but there's something you can do."

Comments About 'Rehab' By Amy Winehouse

2007-01-04T18:58:00.000-08:00

This is continuation article from front page. From Sing365.Com

Reviews/Comments about Amy Winehouse's 'Rehab' Auxilia Chaitezvi Reviewer: Auxilia Chaitezvi S------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseBrilliant album. Amy Winehouse is a very successful female artist but not a very good role model to the community. She is a talented musician, but needs to be reminded that using street drugs or alcohol abuse can damage health and can kill. Drinking above the recommended safe limit is hazardous. It increases risks of developing diseases such as cirrhosis (liver damage), damage to the pancreas, certain cancers, heart problems, sexual problems, and other conditions. FACT ****: Most people are unaware of safe drinking limits.1 in 3 men, and 1 in 7 women, drink more than the safe limit. Men should drink no more than 21 units of alcohol per week, and no more than four units per day. Women should drink no more than 14 units of alcohol per week, and no more than three units per day. (Pregnant women should not drink at all.) There are many organisations that can provide help and advice on any aspect of drug and alcohol use. Your health is important Amy, please “go to Rehab” before its too late.

Love this woman Reviewer: Little Blue------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseAmy is creative, smart and she knows how to use the media to her advantage. Rehab is a great song! Especially if you've ever been to rehab. The counselours have no idea what it's like to be an addict. I think she is in active addiction and the first sign of addiction is DENIAL. I've been there. and she's not ready to submit to all the counselours wh tink the can help her cuzthey went to school to learn about addiction. She can teach them a thing or two about addiction. Most counselours are hypocrites. They drink, take sleeping pills etc. You keep on woman. When the student is ready the teacher will appear. Canadian who loves Amy Winehouse!

i luv it Reviewer: blurrr------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy Winehousei think that everyone should leave amy alone her problems are her own and its up too her if she wants to give them up or not ishes a great singer and i look up 2 her because of that. i also love her hair and makeup styles!!! JUST REMEMBER would u like the papers to keep an eye on you and write about your private life!!!!

it relates Reviewer: Anonymous------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseI THINK IT IS A GREAT SONG EVEN THOUGH OTHER PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS WITH IT. IF YOU DONT LIKE IT DONT LISTEN TO IT.ALLS AMY IS DOING IS SINGING ABOUT THINGS IN HER LIFE THAT HAVE HAPPEND SHE IS A GREAT SINGER WITH A GREAT VOICE AND THIS SONG RELATES WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE. SHE PUTS ALOT OF EMOTION IN HER SONGS.

The guy that wrote the comment about the verses and choruses Reviewer: Anonymous------ About the song Tears Dry On Their Own performed by Amy Winehousesong lyrics dont always have to have meanings...if you think that a song dosnt have a meaning then maby we just don't realise that it does and maby that the meaning is hidden in beween each word? Read this again and think about it carefully. I think that the lyrics match up great to the song!!

Arg Reviewer: Sofia------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseI hate this song... Came to see the lyrics 'cause I couln't believe what I was listening to... Hated the lyrics... Someone said it was for people with taste... No comments about that.

Real Music Reviewer: Jen M------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseI love the fact that we have some jazz in the mainstream now. It's nice to see a real band jamming out behind a girl with a unique soulful voice. I'm so sick of all the pop music and musicians that have to sound/look/act the same. Maybe her addiction is something you don't want to hear about, but there are many people out there who can relate to her problems and find it easier to cope. I think the music is great regardless of how offending or nonsensical the lyrics may be to others.

Rehab Reviewer: alexis------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseThis is a pretty good and catchy songlol its wrong, but its a really good song and im glad she is very honest :D

haunting Reviewer: Anonymous------ About the song Tears Dry On Their Own performed by Amy Winehousei love the imagery conveyed by the chorus...i keep repeating it and only wish i could remember the rest of the song...hope to hear more of it on the airwaves! happy birthday amy!

Best Song Reviewer: lara-lyn lawrence------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy Winehousethis is the best song i have heard is my live and i can't get it out of im head.i love this song!!!!!!

woowww Reviewer: Jennifer------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy Winehousethis is honestly one of the worse songs i have ever heard in my life. obviously if they want you to go to rehab.. you should go cuz something is obviously terribly wrong with you. besides, your lyrics make no sense..."I ain't got the time and if my daddy thinks I'm fine He's tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go go go ".. umm, come on now. if he thinks your fine, than why did he want you to go??

Addiction Counselor speaks Reviewer: T------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseThis song scares me. The music is great but the lyrics are scary for me. I have patients that are singing it in the inpatient rehab that I run. I understand the fear of looking at ones addiction but it could have been put in different words. Just my thoughts. Makes it sound like rehab is sooooo bad and I believe that rehabs help people work on thier addictions and lead great wonderful lives. Thanks for listening (reading)

Style Reviewer: Big Al------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseOne of the things I like about this song is the Jazz band behind her. Also the 'No, no, no' almost has an island feel. I can't get this song out of my head.

Random Comments Reviewer: Big Al------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseI love this song and can't get it out of my head. I like that she has a kick ass jazz band behind her including horns. Horns is never bad. (sic) I think the 'No, no, no" almost has a Island/Calipso sound to it. If a Monroe is a piercing that goes through the lip then guess what Genuis? It's a lip piercing.

EVA vs. AMY Reviewer: Anonymous------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseI can't believe Eva ever got out of seventh grade. On the other hand, it is rare that such a phenomenal talent such as Amy Winehouse has such mainstream appeal. Eva, her music wasn't written for you. It was written for herself. And it is appreciated by people with taste.

Answers Reviewer: kate------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseTo Eva's questions...1. Black refers to blacking out... she's drank so much that she passed out2. The "he" that's trying to make her go to rehab isn't her father, it's her manager. Her father thinks she's okay, her manager does not.3. The bottle refers to a bottle of alcohol. And she's not losing her babies, she's losing her baby. She and her husband have had a very tumultous relationship and when they fight, she drinks.4. Figure that one out for yourself.I'm not Amy Winehouse's biggest fan, but I do appreciate the honesty she puts forth into her music.

amy Reviewer: peggy------ About the album Back To Black performed by Amy Winehousei love amy whinehouse new album, she sounds great, she looks different but hear voice is wonderful, i hope she continues to make music.

you are so good lol Reviewer: nicola------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy Winehouseheyy so how did you make the song sentence upp lol byee

UNREAL Reviewer: Eva------ About the song Rehab performed by Amy WinehouseI can't believe ANYONE likes this song and I even more can't believe anyone thinks this chick is pretty. Open your eyes and ears people. I have some questions: 1. "I've been black"-what's this mean?2. :daddy thinks I'm fine, he's tried to make me go"-obviously he doesn't think she's fine3. Why does the bottle need to be near? Because she's losing her babies? Real smart.4. Where does this guy want to be kissed exactly?This is hands down one of the worst songs ever made. I'd rather listen to K-Fed!

Holidays Without My Kid (Continued)

2007-01-03T19:18:00.000-08:00

(Continued from front page, click here to return) JamieJ1979 MemberPosts: 759(11/16/07 11:14 am)Reply Re: Daughter Patricia-I was confused by your post. You said 2002 was the last holiday you spent with your daughter then you said he's clean training horses. Is she still clean but not talking to you or is she using drugs again or has she passed on? Just trying to understand you better thats all. I can feel your raw emotion through your post. I'm wishing you a happy holiday this Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was into horses for many years but stopped when I became strung out on heroin when I was 20. I'm now 28. I used to show hunter/jumpers then I got into saddleseat and then right before I stopped riding I was getting into western pleasure. I love horses. They are awesome creatures. I hope to be able to ride again because I miss it a lot. I'm very busy now with 1 yr old son and I'm in school and working on my recovery so I don't have much time right now. Your post made me remember some really happy times in my life with horses. I've been clean since July 06. Welcome to KCI.Jamie

Patricia MemberPosts: 9(11/16/07 12:41 pm)Reply Edit Re: Daughter Kevin, thank you so much for your note. The apology was heartfelt too because apologies in this disease and doing right by your loved ones are universally full of pain. So much hurt and so much unknown hurt. Jamie, my daughter is clean 2-1/2 years but our relationship is not the same. She has not been able to apologize or make amends in the usual manner rather she is just trying to do right by her family, (which is just me) to live a good and loving life. There is much unsaid, that I believe is still too raw although she is actively still working program.We still talk, but I have to be careful that I dont let her manipulate and take advantage of me, because that is part of her natural personality. Additionally, she is immature in many ways, of course. The holiday situation is that it is too painful for her, she finds it too scarry to be around family, so she chooses to do program activities and I just ache cuz I feel like it is a day I have 'earned,' as a mom.The push and pull is that she and I were so close for so many years and I did perhaps way too much, homeschooled, assisted in so many ways, that she and I are reformulating our relationship, I guess. It will always tend toward her using me, so I had to make a choice a couple years ago, that my life separate than my daughter is worth living and I have to make choices on a daily basis (no Sarahjoy, 5 phone calls a day is perhaps too many).So, she's clean, Thank God. I will exchange the holidays for a clean kid.Thank you.How do you all handle holidays?

TenderheartsKS MemberPosts: 413(11/16/07 5:16 pm)Reply ezSupporter --> Re: Daughter Quote: Jamie, my daughter is clean 2-1/2 years but our relationship is not the same. She has not been able to apologize or make amends in the usual manner rather she is just trying to do right by her family, (which is just me) to live a good and loving life. There is much unsaid, that I believe is still too raw although she is actively still working program. I spent so many years wreaking havoc, creating chaos, and profoundly hurting the loved ones in my life.When I first got clean and sober, I was still too full of guilt and shame to even say 'I'm sorry' if that makes any sense.Over the years I have apologized to my family, especially my parents, many many times. Often, it has come up when we are discussing my oldest daughter, who is now an active addict.I tell my mother that now I truly understand the heartache that she went through, and I am so sorry for all of that.For all the damage that I did, I felt the best amends I could make were to start living a better life. As the years have gone by, it's been easier to come out and say I'm sorry. Hopefully the day will come when your daughter will be able to express her amends in words.To have your daughter in active recovery is the best Christmas gift I can think of, even though she won't be there physically.I have no doubt she is profoundly sorry for what she has done, and it appears she is putting her recovery first and foremost, which is what she needs to do.((((hugs))))

Patricia MemberPosts: 10(11/16/07 6:59 pm)Reply Edit Re: Daughter TenderheartsKS Quote: When I first got clean and sober, I was still too full of guilt and shame to even say 'I'm sorry' if that makes any sense This is the first time that I got that concept. Perhaps the plainness of how you said it, 'to even say I'm sorry' .....I have been wanting to 'get it' too. Saying sorry is so hard, add quantities of guilt and shame and I think I am getting it. I've been okay with it because the two of us have been so raw that just holding hands feels so good.This reminds me of something I'd heard about going to meetings also. Some meetings you go to and get nothing, sometimes you hear the same stuff, but you keep going. You never know when one person in the room will need to hear it moreover, you never know when YOU will 'get it'. You wanna be there, so you can 'get it'.HUGE HUGS to you, I got something huge today.Uhmmmmmm....... wow, don't feel so raw. Not so raw.patricia

NoMore4Me Forum FriendPosts: 1212(11/16/07 7:25 pm)Reply Re: Daughter I had to stay away from my hometown when I was getting well. I was finally able to spend time there for the first time in my life without doing drugs just this last time I was living there, I was there a whole 5 years. I'm 46.I hate that I wasted so much time from family members I loved. When my dad died I couldn't be found and they buried him without ever having gotten ahold of me. I finally called home Christmas and found out he was gone.Is there a possiblity you can go see her??Maybe rent a room or something??May peace surround you and yours.{{{hugs}}}

Patricia MemberPosts: 11(11/16/07 7:41 pm)Reply Edit Re: Daughter No More For Me ~Heartfelt on your part.There is a chance I could go see her. I will ponder it and 'give it to my higher power' and my boyfriend, wonderful man that he is. (Poor thing, never had kids, and now this is it, ghads! What a normie!)That is so scarry (to try to coordinate something)but she is incredibly busy, she is a young adult and that is what they do! Any examples? I've been to so many meetings with her, I always stuck out like a big sore thumb. Lol, but this is all good. Any examples?Patricia

mlg MemberPosts: 429(11/16/07 9:57 pm)Reply Re: Daughter Patricia, this is almost scary, we have a lot in common: Our daughter is also named Sarah and is our only child too. She is 29 now, and in a recovery home for women. One of the most painful times in my life on earth was 2 yrs. ago, we didn't know if she was even alive. We had to go through Thanksgiving and Christmas "in the dark." I didn't even open up Christmas cards that year...just threw them away.It was all I could do each day to get up and put one foot in front of the other...My personal sponsor, my own Higher Power, my husband, support groups, and my angel friend coworker I know, all helped saved me from going down the deepest end myself.Lots has happened for the good since then.We see her about once a week(end). She also stays busy, and is working hard on trying to learn how to "relive." That has to be so huge on her part.Thank goodness she has newfound friends in recovery too, many very seasoned and longterm that can help her a heck of a lot more than we (her parents) could ever begin to.I will relish the day and pinch myself when she will be with us this Thanksgiving, as she was last year too. Nothing was more dark than that year she wasn't with us, and not knowing where she was or if she was even alive...I am happy your daughter IS in recovery, and at least you DO know of her whereabouts. Time is relative, and time is in the end a healing force. I know it takes a lot of faith and patience too. Anyway, whatever is meant to be, I will send you a thought and prayer your way during this holiday season.God Bless You and Yours...mlg

How To Talk To Girls (Continued)

2007-01-03T07:17:00.000-08:00

(This article is continued from front post, click here to return) We reached the end of the road and turned into a narrow street of terraced houses. Everything looked very still and empty in the Summer's evening. "It's all right for you," I said. "They fancy you. You don't actually have to talk to them." It was true: one urchin grin from Vic and he could have his pick of the room. "Nah. S'not like that. You've just got to talk." The times I had kissed my sister's friends I had not spoken to them. They had been around while my sister was off doing something elsewhere, and they had drifted into my orbit, and so I had kissed them. I do not remember any talking. I did not know what to say to girls, and I told him so. They're just girls," said Vic. "They don't come from another planet." As we followed the curve of the road around, my hopes that the party would prove unfindable began to fade: a low pulsing noise, music muffled by walls and doors, could be heard from a house up ahead. It was eight in the evening, not that early if you aren't yet sixteen, and we weren't. Not quite. I had parents who liked to know where I was, but I don't think Vic's parents cared that much. He was the youngest of five boys. That in itself seemed magical to me: I merely had two sisters, both younger than I was, and I felt both unique and lonely. I had wanted a brother as far back as I could remember. When I turned thirteen, I stopped wishing on falling stars or first stars, but back when I did, a brother was what I had wished for. We went up the garden path, crazy paving leading us past a hedge and a solitary rosebush to a pebble- dashed facade. We rang the doorbell, and the door was opened by a girl. I could not have told you how old she was, which was one of the things about girls I had begun to hate: when you start out as kids you're just boys and girls, going through time at the same speed, and you're all five, or seven, or eleven, together. And then one day there's a lurch and the girls just sort of sprint off into the future ahead of you, and they know all about everything, and they have periods and breasts and makeup and God-only-knew-what-else -- for I certainly didn't. The diagrams in biology textbooks were no substitute for being, in a very real sense, young adults. And the girls of our age were. Vic and I weren't young adults, and I was beginning to suspect that even when I started needing to shave every day, instead of once every couple of weeks, I would still be way behind. The girl said, "Hello?" Vic said, "We're friends of Alison's." We had met Alison, all freckles and orange hair and a wicked smile, in Hamburg, on a German exchange. The exchange organizers had sent some girls with us, from a local girls' school, to balance the sexes. The girls, our age, more or less, were raucous and funny, and had more or less adult boyfriends with cars and jobs and motorbikes and -- in the case of one girl with crooked teeth and a raccoon coat, who spoke to me about it sadly at the end of a party in Hamburg, in, of course, the kitchen -- a wife and kids. "She isn't here," said the girl at the door. "No Alison." "Not to worry," said Vic, with an easy grin. "I'm Vic. This is Enn." A beat, and then the girl smiled back at him. Vic had a bottle of white wine in a plastic bag, removed from his parents' kitchen cabinet. "Where should I put this, then?" She stood out of the way, letting us enter. "There's a kitchen in the back," she said. "Put it on the table there, with the other bottles." She had golden, wavy hair, and she was very beautiful. The hall was dim in the twilight, but I could see that she was beautiful. "What's your name, then?" said Vic. She told him it was Stella, and he grinned his crooked white grin and told her that that had to be the prettiest name he had ever heard. Smooth bastard. And what was worse was that he said it like he meant it. Vic headed back to drop off the wine in the kitchen, and I looked into the front room, where the music was coming from. There were people dancing in there. Stella walked in, and she started to dance, swaying to the music all alone, and I watched her. This was during the early days of punk. On our own record players we would play the Adverts and the Jam, the Stranglers and the Clash and the Sex Pistols. At other people's parties you'd hear ELO or 10cc or even Roxy Music. Maybe some Bowie, if you were lucky. During the German exchange, the only LP that we had all been able to agree on was Neil Young's Harvest, and his song "Heart of Gold" had threaded through the trip like a refrain: I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold. . . . The music playing in that front room wasn't anything I recognized. It sounded a bit like a German electronic pop group called Kraftwerk, and a bit like an LP I'd been given for my last birthday, of strange sounds made by the BBC Radiophonic Workshop. The music had a beat, though, and the half- dozen girls in that room were moving gently to it, although I only looked at Stella. She shone. Vic pushed past me, into the room. He was holding a can of lager. "There's booze back in the kitchen," he told me. He wandered over to Stella and he began to talk to her. I couldn't hear what they were saying over the music, but I knew that there was no room for me in that conversation. I didn't like beer, not back then. I went off to see if there was something I wanted to drink. On the kitchen table stood a large bottle of Coca-Cola, and I poured myself a plastic tumblerful, and I didn't dare say anything to the pair of girls who were talking in the underlit kitchen. They were animated and utterly lovely. Each of them had very black skin and glossy hair and movie star clothes, and their accents were foreign, and each of them was out of my league. I wandered, Coke in hand. The house was deeper than it looked, larger and more complex than the two- up two- down model I had imagined. The rooms were underlit -- I doubt there was a bulb of more than 40 watts in the building -- and each room I went into was inhabited: in my memory, inhabited only by girls. I did not go upstairs. A girl was the only occupant of the conservatory. Her hair was so fair it was white, and long, and straight, and she sat at the glass-topped table, her hands clasped together, staring at the garden outside, and the gathering dusk. She seemed wistful. "Do you mind if I sit here?" I asked, gesturing with my cup. She shook her head, and then followed it up with a shrug, to indicate that it was all the same to her. I sat down. Vic walked past the conservatory door. He was talking to Stella, but he looked in at me, sitting at the table, wrapped in shyness and awkwardness, and he opened and closed his hand in a parody of a speaking mouth. Talk. Right. "Are you from around here?" I asked the girl. She shook her head. She wore a low-cut silvery top, and I tried not to stare at the swell of her breasts. I said, "What's your name? I'm Enn." "Wain's Wain," she said, or something that sounded like it. "I'm a second." "That's uh. That's a different name." She fixed me with huge, liquid eyes. "It indicates that my progenitor was also Wain, and that I am obliged to report back to her. I may not breed." "Ah. Well. Bit early for that anyway, isn't it?" She unclasped her hands, raised them above the table, spread her fingers. "You see?" The little finger on her left hand was crooked, and it bifurcated at the top, splitting into two smaller fingertips. A minor deformity. "When I was finished a decision was needed. Would I be retained, or eliminated? I was fortunate that the decision was with me. Now, I travel, while my more perfect sisters remain at home in stasis. They were firsts. I am a second. Soon I must return to Wain, and tell her all I have seen. All my impressions of this place of yours." "I don't actually live in Croydon," I said. "I don't come from here." I wondered if she was American. I had no idea what she was talking about. "As you say," she agreed, "neither of us comes from here." She folded her six- fingered left hand beneath her right, as if tucking it out of sight. "I had expected it to be bigger, and cleaner, and more colorful. But still, it is a jewel." She yawned, covered her mouth with her right hand, only for a moment, before it was back on the table again. "I grow weary of the journeying, and I wish sometimes that it would end. On a street in Rio at Carnival, I saw them on a bridge, golden and tall and insect-eyed and winged, and elated I almost ran to greet them, before I saw that they were only people in costumes. I said to Hola Colt, 'Why do they try so hard to look like us?' and Hola Colt replied, 'Because they hate themselves, all shades of pink and brown, and so small.' It is what I experience, even me, and I am not grown. It is like a world of children, or of elves." Then she smiled, and said, "It was a good thing they could not any of them see Hola Colt." "Um," I said, "do you want to dance?" She shook her head immediately. "It is not permitted," she said. "I can do nothing that might cause damage to property. I am Wain's." "Would you like something to drink, then?" "Water," she said. I went back to the kitchen and poured myself another Coke, and filled a cup with water from the tap. From the kitchen back to the hall, and from there into the conservatory, but now it was quite empty. I wondered if the girl had gone to the toilet, and if she might change her mind about dancing later. I walked back to the front room and stared in. The place was filling up. There were more girls dancing, and several lads I didn't know, who looked a few years older than me and Vic. The lads and the girls all kept their distance, but Vic was holding Stella's hand as they danced, and when the song ended he put an arm around her, casually, almost proprietorially, to make sure that nobody else cut in. I wondered if the girl I had been talking to in the conservatory was now upstairs, as she did not appear to be on the ground floor. I walked into the living room, which was across the hall from the room where the people were dancing, and I sat down on the sofa. There was a girl sitting there already. She had dark hair, cut short and spiky, and a nervous manner. Talk, I thought. "Um, this mug of water's going spare," I told her, "if you want it?" She nodded, and reached out her hand and took the mug, extremely carefully, as if she were unused to taking things, as if she could trust neither her vision nor her hands. "I love being a tourist," she said, and smiled hesitantly. She had a gap between her two front teeth, and she sipped the tap water as if she were an adult sipping a fine wine. "The last tour, we went to sun, and we swam in sunfire pools with the whales. We heard their histories and we shivered in the chill of the outer places, then we swam deepward where the heat churned and comforted us. I wanted to go back. This time, I wanted it. There was so much I had not seen. Instead we came to world. Do you like it?" "Like what?" She gestured vaguely to the room -- the sofa, the armchairs, the curtains, the unused gas fire. "It's all right, I suppose." "I told them I did not wish to visit world," she said. "My parent-teacher was unimpressed. 'You will have much to learn,' it told me. I said, 'I could learn more in sun, again. Or in the deeps. Jessa spun webs between galaxies. I want to do that.' "But there was no reasoning with it, and I came to world. Parent-teacher engulfed me, and I was here, embodied in a decaying lump of meat hanging on a frame of calcium. As I incarnated I felt things deep inside me, fluttering and pumping and squishing. It was my first experience with pushing air through the mouth, vibrating the vocal cords on the way, and I used it to tell parent-teacher that I wished that I would die, which it acknowledged was the inevitable exit strategy from world." There were black worry beads wrapped around her wrist, and she fiddled with them as she spoke. "But knowledge is there, in the meat," she said, "and I am resolved to learn from it." We were sitting close at the center of the sofa now. I decided I should put an arm around her, but casually. I would extend my arm along the back of the sofa and eventually sort of creep it down, almost imperceptibly, until it was touching her. She said, "The thing with the liquid in the eyes, when the world blurs. Nobody told me, and I still do not understand. I have touched the folds of the Whisper and pulsed and flown with the tachyon swans, and I still do not understand." She wasn't the prettiest girl there, but she seemed nice enough, and she was a girl, anyway. I let my arm slide down a little, tentatively, so that it made contact with her back, and she did not tell me to take it away. Vic called to me then, from the doorway. He was standing with his arm around Stella, protectively, waving at me. I tried to let him know, by shaking my head, that I was onto something, but he called my name and, reluctantly, I got up from the sofa and walked over to the door. "What?" "Er. Look. The party," said Vic, apologetically. "It's not the one I thought it was. I've been talking to Stella and I figured it out. Well, she sort of explained it to me. We're at a different party." "Christ. Are we in trouble? Do we have to go?" Stella shook her head. He leaned down and kissed her, gently, on the lips. "You're just happy to have me here, aren't you darlin'?" "You know I am," she told him. He looked from her back to me, and he smiled his white smile: roguish, lovable, a little bit Artful Dodger, a little bit wide- boy Prince Charming. "Don't worry. They're all tourists here anyway. It's a foreign exchange thing, innit? Like when we all went to Germany." "It is?" "Enn. You got to talk to them. And that means you got to listen to them, too. You understand?" "I did. I already talked to a couple of them." "You getting anywhere?" "I was till you called me over." "Sorry about that. Look, I just wanted to fill you in. Right?" And he patted my arm and he walked away with Stella. Then, together, the two of them went up the stairs. Understand me, all the girls at that party, in the twilight, were lovely; they all had perfect faces but, more important than that, they had whatever strangeness of proportion, of oddness or humanity it is that makes a beauty something more than a shop window dummy. Stella was the most lovely of any of them, but she, of course, was Vic's, and they were going upstairs together, and that was just how things would always be. There were several people now sitting on the sofa, talking to the gap- toothed girl. Someone told a joke, and they all laughed. I would have had to push my way in there to sit next to her again, and it didn't look like she was expecting me back, or cared that I had gone, so I wandered out into the hall. I glanced in at the dancers, and found myself wondering where the music was coming from. I couldn't see a record player or speakers. From the hall I walked back to the kitchen. Kitchens are good at parties. You never need an excuse to be there, and, on the good side, at this party I couldn't see any signs of someone's mum. I inspected the various bottles and cans on the kitchen table, then I poured a half an inch of Pernod into the bottom of my plastic cup, which I filled to the top with Coke. I dropped in a couple of ice cubes and took a sip, relishing the sweet-shop tang of the drink. "What's that you're drinking?" A girl's voice. "It's Pernod," I told her. "It tastes like aniseed balls, only it's alcoholic." I didn't say that I only tried it because I'd heard someone in the crowd ask for a Pernod on a live Velvet Underground LP. "Can I have one?" I poured another Pernod, topped it off with Coke, passed it to her. Her hair was a coppery auburn, and it tumbled around her head in ringlets. It's not a hair style you see much now, but you saw it a lot back then. "What's your name?" I asked. "Triolet," she said. "Pretty name," I told her, although I wasn't sure that it was. She was pretty, though. "It's a verse form," she said, proudly. "Like me." "You're a poem?" She smiled, and looked down and away, perhaps bashfully. Her profile was almost flat -- a perfect Grecian nose that came down from her forehead in a straight line. We did Antigone in the school theater the previous year. I was the messenger who brings Creon the news of Antigone's death. We wore half-masks that made us look like that. I thought of that play, looking at her face, in the kitchen, and I thought of Barry Smith's drawings of women in the Conan comics: five years later I would have thought of the Pre-Raphaelites, of Jane Morris and Lizzie Siddall. But I was only fifteen then. "You're a poem?" I repeated. She chewed her lower lip. "If you want. I am a poem, or I am a pattern, or a race of people whose world was swallowed by the sea." "Isn't it hard to be three things at the same time?" "What's your name?" "Enn." "So you are Enn," she said. "And you are a male. And you are a biped. Is it hard to be three things at the same time?" "But they aren't different things. I mean, they aren't contradictory." It was a word I had read many times but never said aloud before that night, and I put the stresses in the wrong places. Contradictory. She wore a thin dress made of a white, silky fabric. Her eyes were a pale green, a color that would now make me think of tinted contact lenses; but this was thirty years ago; things were different then. I remember wondering about Vic and Stella, upstairs. By now, I was sure that they were in one of the bedrooms, and I envied Vic so much it almost hurt. Still, I was talking to this girl, even if we were talking nonsense, even if her name wasn't really Triolet (my generation had not been given hippie names: all the Rainbows and the Sunshines and the Moons, they were only six, seven, eight years old back then). She said, "We knew that it would soon be over, and so we put it all into a poem, to tell the universe who we were, and why we were here, and what we said and did and thought and dreamed and yearned for. We wrapped our dreams in words and patterned the words so that they would live forever, unforgettable. Then we sent the poem as a pattern of flux, to wait in the heart of a star, beaming out its message in pulses and bursts and fuzzes across the electromagnetic spectrum, until the time when, on worlds a thousand sun systems distant, the pattern would be decoded and read, and it would become a poem once again." "And then what happened?" She looked at me with her green eyes, and it was as if she stared out at me from her own Antigone half-mask; but as if her pale green eyes were just a different, deeper, part of the mask. "You cannot hear a poem without it changing you," she told me. "They heard it, and it colonized them. It inherited them and it inhabited them, its rhythms becoming part of the way that they thought; its images permanently transmuting their metaphors; its verses, its outlook, its aspirations becoming their lives. Within a generation their children would be born already knowing the poem, and, sooner rather than later, as these things go, there were no more children born. There was no need for them, not any longer. There was only a poem, which took flesh and walked and spread itself across the vastness of the known." I edged closer to her, so I could feel my leg pressing against hers. She seemed to welcome it: she put her hand on my arm, affectionately, and I felt a smile spreading across my face. "There are places that we are welcomed," said Triolet, "and places where we are regarded as a noxious weed, or as a disease, something immediately to be quarantined and eliminated. But where does contagion end and art begin?" "I don't know," I said, still smiling. I could hear the unfamiliar music as it pulsed and scattered and boomed in the front room. She leaned into me then and -- I suppose it was a kiss. . . . I suppose. She pressed her lips to my lips, anyway, and then, satisfied, she pulled back, as if she had now marked me as her own. "Would you like to hear it?" she asked, and I nodded, unsure what she was offering me, but certain that I needed anything she was willing to give me. She began to whisper something in my ear. It's the strangest thing about poetry -- you can tell it's poetry, even if you don't speak the language. You can hear Homer's Greek without understanding a word, and you still know it's poetry. I've heard Polish poetry, and Inuit poetry, and I knew what it was without knowing. Her whisper was like that. I didn't know the language, but her words washed through me, perfect, and in my mind's eye I saw towers of glass and diamond; and people with eyes of the palest green; and, unstoppable, beneath every syllable, I could feel the relentless advance of the ocean. Perhaps I kissed her properly. I don't remember. I know I wanted to. And then Vic was shaking me violently. "Come on!" he was shouting. "Quickly. Come on!" In my head I began to come back from a thousand miles away. "Idiot. Come on. Just get a move on," he said, and he swore at me. There was fury in his voice. For the first time that evening I recognized one of the songs being played in the front room. A sad saxophone wail followed by a cascade of liquid chords, a man's voice singing cut-up lyrics about the sons of the silent age. I wanted to stay and hear the song. She said, "I am not finished. There is yet more of me." "Sorry love," said Vic, but he wasn't smiling any longer. "There'll be another time," and he grabbed me by the elbow and he twisted and pulled, forcing me from the room. I did not resist. I knew from experience that Vic could beat the stuffing out me if he got it into his head to do so. He wouldn't do it unless he was upset or angry, but he was angry now. Out into the front hall. As Vic pulled open the door, I looked back one last time, over my shoulder, hoping to see Triolet in the doorway to the kitchen, but she was not there. I saw Stella, though, at the top of the stairs. She was staring down at Vic, and I saw her face. This all happened thirty years ago. I have forgotten much, and I will forget more, and in the end I will forget everything; yet, if I have any certainty of life beyond death, it is all wrapped up not in psalms or hymns, but in this one thing alone: I cannot believe that I will ever forget that moment, or forget the expression on Stella's face as she watched Vic hurrying away from her. Even in death I shall remember that. Her clothes were in disarray, and there was makeup smudged across her face, and her eyes -- You wouldn't want to make a universe angry. I bet an angry universe would look at you with eyes like that. We ran then, me and Vic, away from the party and the tourists and the twilight, ran as if a lightning storm was on our heels, a mad helter-skelter dash down the confusion of streets, threading through the maze, and we did not look back, and we did not stop until we could not breathe; and then we stopped and panted, unable to run any longer. We were in pain. I held on to a wall, and Vic threw up, hard and long, into the gutter. He wiped his mouth. "She wasn't a--" He stopped. He shook his head. Then he said, "You know . . . I think there's a thing. When you've gone as far as you dare. And if you go any further, you wouldn't be you anymore? You'd be the person who'd done that? The places you just can't go. . . . I think that happened to me tonight." I thought I knew what he was saying. "Screw her, you mean?" I said. He rammed a knuckle hard against my temple, and twisted it violently. I wondered if I was going to have to fight him -- and lose -- but after a moment he lowered his hand and moved away from me, making a low, gulping noise. I looked at him curiously, and I realized that he was crying: his face was scarlet; snot and tears ran down his cheeks. Vic was sobbing in the street, as unselfconsciously and heartbreakingly as a little boy. He walked away from me then, shoulders heaving, and he hurried down the road so he was in front of me and I could no longer see his face. I wondered what had occurred in that upstairs room to make him behave like that, to scare him so, and I could not even begin to guess. The streetlights came on, one by one; Vic stumbled on ahead, while I trudged down the street behind him in the dusk, my feet treading out the measure of a poem that, try as I might, I could not properly remember and would never be able to repeat. * * * Listen To Audio Version View All Nominees © Harper Collins Publishers Privacy Policy Sitemap

Addict Behavior Me On Drugs Vs Me Clean

2006-09-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

My Abilities & Skills As A Drug User:

All you wanna' do is score more (my drug of choice was meth)

Your emotion options are: you are either 'high' or angry, cuz you're not

Nothing matters

You hear ghosts & voices coming from places where you know they shouldn't be

You can drive around for hours because you are lost because you are outta' it (inside your own neighborhood, nonetheless)

You have trashed every relationship with family and friends

Your skin is yellow, you don't eat and you are always sick

Your teeth and gums are starting to hurt because the junk that makes up meth is rotting them away.

Too many to list ~ and ~ some, I'd be ashamed to list

My Skills And Abilities Today:

I am working on 2 years clean

am running a hunter-jumper barn

This weekend I am hauling 6 horses in my 3/4 ton Dodge and I will be both competing and working with clients who will be competing.

You need to know this is a miracle.

A common theme for users is 'drugs = prison, institutions ..... or death,' but somehow, with my Higher Power's help, I am competing on my mare, Perfect C, and professionally representing my sport.

How hot is that! By Sarahjoy Subscribe in a reader

Playboy Girls Of Golf

2005-07-28T07:18:00.000-07:00

I really am not sure what this is exactly - but I am in someone's portfolio for Playboy. Humm . . . interesting but not interested. But here is the notice that I received. Hey Sarahjoy!I liked the pics so I've added you to my portfolio. I've attached a copy of the rules for our Girls of Golf model search. The Girls of Golf party is August 25th at Spider Club in Hollywood and the tourney is August 27th at the Pacific Palms Resort. If the rules are OK with you, we'll set up a time where we can meet. Talk to you soon. Cheers, Shane

(Shane, won't be contacting u)

Mtv Said Tell Them Why I Am Unique! Lord Have Mercy

2005-05-14T07:26:00.000-07:00

My name is Sarahjoy (yes, one word, please!). I am called Dungeon Princess because I live in a tiny tiny cottage apartment under a large house which has the feel of a dungeon. The dungeon is located in rural Silverado Canyon (in Orange County). Silverado is a old silver mining community with log cabins built in early 1900's and 10 minutes away from Irvine. We have no mail delivery and the original outhouse is still out back. I've seen about 5 rattle snakes, a few scorpions and tarantulas and a mountain lion or two since I've lived here. Heads do turn when I walk in the room ~ and have since a child ~ and I DON'T know why! I know what I want from the opposite sex and also find women to be beautiful. I have been lead singer and back up for various bands, I have great stage presence and a strong voice. I work daily with 1,500lb beasts (I compete on hunter jumper warmblood horses). I have ridden amateur/professional for 16 years. In honor of my passion for riding and competing on beautiful horses, I have my horses' registration emblem and registration numbers tattooed on my left hip. My vehicle is a 3/4 ton white Dodge truck which is perfect for hauling my 4,500lb horse trailer around the west coast. (Dooleys make my head turn though). I am an Orange County Cowgirl/Hard Rock Chic. I have 12 tattooes and a few piercings including my name Sarahjoy on my spinal cord from my neck to my waist and the word "WARNING" on my right hip referencing Atmosphere's "Fuck You Lucy". I am a professional model despite my 5'3" height. Before Tom Cruise had his teeth fixed, I had "Tom Cruise teeth" (center of my mouth doesn't align with center of my lips). I voluntarily lived in a sober living house (2 times). One chic (roommate) was just out of prison, her uncle was head of some aryan movement and had both a husband and a wife in prison still. Another roommate had two broken ankles, just out of prison also. By Sarahjoy

Narcotics Anonymous - Card Carrying Member

2005-02-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

Photography By Richie Bravo

If they had a card, I'd carry it. In fact, I'd probably laminate it. I'm not embarrassed. Hey, peeps, look, at my card! I am a member of 'NA' ~ also known as Narcotics Anonymous. Obviously, I'd prefer that I never visited this dark side of society, But I did. Since I became a 'clean addict,' I am proud of the positive changes in my life. My 'drug of choice' was methamphetamine, 'meth'. Unlike most peeps, I didn't like the feeling when I tried meth. Regardless I was addicted from the first use. Technically, meth floods a users' brain with dopamine (pleasurable sensation that leaves you brimming with energy). Over time, it takes its toll - - triggering anxiety, breeding paranoia and causing weight loss, tooth grinding and tooth decay. Highly addictive, easy to get your hands on and relatively cheap, meth use typically ends in prison, institutions or death (truth, baby). For whatever reasons (I may write more on this over time), I was very very very lucky.

By Sarahjoy January 2005 Narcotics Anonymous Subscribe in a reader