This was originally posted on the Ezboard anti-meth, it is repeated here including comments. Christmas 2002 would be the last holiday season that I had with a 'clean' daughter, she's my 28 year old, now 2-1/2 years clean of meth, wonderful, I'm glad she's clean, I'm glad she's recovering so well, I'm just plain proud of her also. She'd be Sarahjoy.She'd also be my 28 year old, lucky to have survived and found a good sober living house. She'd be giving back alot to society. All this is good.
She's working in the profession which is her passion (she's back to training and competing on hunter / jumper horses). My kid, Sarahjoy.
We love each other desperately ~ always have, always will. We did so when she was using, did so when she entered the sober living house and when she re-entered the sober living house and stayed a year. We did so even as she chose her addict boyfriend over me, her mom. We did so when I cleaned her motel room after she'd been arrested. We did so when I tried to commit suicide two times over holidays of 2005 when the pain was way too unbearable to take any longer.
She's my only child so I can't compare her independencing under the influence with normal independencing (growing up). This 'under the influence' and recovery has required both of us to love each other but hold on tightly to our own needs and boundaries.Boundaries for her include always working her program, always looking for serenity. Boundaries for me have included doing anything and giving anything to her, to learning how to not do everything and not give everything to her.
At the holidays I hope it is the one time of year that I can enjoy having my daughter. At the holidays for her it is especially a time of year she has to stay close to her sobriety touchpoints, sober friends and safe-feeling environments.At the holidays especially (not that there is any other time either) I love my daughter and tell myself every 10 minutes or so, it's the disease. It's the disease. The disease has done this. She loves me, I love her. It is the damn disease.
It is both our responsibilities to remain safe and survive the holidays.Perhaps there are others who I might be able to help at this holiday season, cuz I have extra time ..........
Patricia
Imgetinrite Forum FriendPosts: 1745(11/16/07 8:27 am)Reply Daughter
Good Morning!This post.. your post, hit a soft spot with me.I am the addict, and my Daughter is the loved one.My daughter is a lot younger then yours.. she is only 14.Here is where we are similar, The way we feel without our Children.For many years, I screwed my daughter out of time that should have been the greatest times of her life.When I was in active addiction, I never gave it much thought.... but now, in recovery, It kills me.I went many sober Christmas's without my daughter because of my past actions, but was allowed to have her back 2 years ago for the Holiday, then I had her for a month this summer, and again i spent a few days with her last month.(we live 1100 miles apart)I am in a situation where I most likely will not be allowed to see her for the next 5 years due to my past actions while In addiction.As the addict in recovery, let me say this to you from your daughterIm sorry!When we get better, the guilt we carry for the hurt we put you through is overwhelming at times....Im sorry you wont have her on Christmas this year, I wont either.Look to the future with hope and faith in your heart, and one day.... she will be homeSorry to ramble, but your post made me feel like I had to replyKevin Edited by: Imgetinrite at: 11/16/07 8:53 am
(To Continue Reading Comments, Click Here)
No comments:
Post a Comment