(Continued from front page, click here to return) JamieJ1979 MemberPosts: 759(11/16/07 11:14 am)Reply Re: Daughter Patricia-I was confused by your post. You said 2002 was the last holiday you spent with your daughter then you said he's clean training horses. Is she still clean but not talking to you or is she using drugs again or has she passed on? Just trying to understand you better thats all. I can feel your raw emotion through your post. I'm wishing you a happy holiday this Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was into horses for many years but stopped when I became strung out on heroin when I was 20. I'm now 28. I used to show hunter/jumpers then I got into saddleseat and then right before I stopped riding I was getting into western pleasure. I love horses. They are awesome creatures. I hope to be able to ride again because I miss it a lot. I'm very busy now with 1 yr old son and I'm in school and working on my recovery so I don't have much time right now. Your post made me remember some really happy times in my life with horses. I've been clean since July 06. Welcome to KCI.Jamie
Patricia MemberPosts: 9(11/16/07 12:41 pm)Reply Edit Re: Daughter Kevin, thank you so much for your note. The apology was heartfelt too because apologies in this disease and doing right by your loved ones are universally full of pain. So much hurt and so much unknown hurt. Jamie, my daughter is clean 2-1/2 years but our relationship is not the same. She has not been able to apologize or make amends in the usual manner rather she is just trying to do right by her family, (which is just me) to live a good and loving life. There is much unsaid, that I believe is still too raw although she is actively still working program.We still talk, but I have to be careful that I dont let her manipulate and take advantage of me, because that is part of her natural personality. Additionally, she is immature in many ways, of course. The holiday situation is that it is too painful for her, she finds it too scarry to be around family, so she chooses to do program activities and I just ache cuz I feel like it is a day I have 'earned,' as a mom.The push and pull is that she and I were so close for so many years and I did perhaps way too much, homeschooled, assisted in so many ways, that she and I are reformulating our relationship, I guess. It will always tend toward her using me, so I had to make a choice a couple years ago, that my life separate than my daughter is worth living and I have to make choices on a daily basis (no Sarahjoy, 5 phone calls a day is perhaps too many).So, she's clean, Thank God. I will exchange the holidays for a clean kid.Thank you.How do you all handle holidays?
TenderheartsKS MemberPosts: 413(11/16/07 5:16 pm)Reply ezSupporter --> Re: Daughter Quote: Jamie, my daughter is clean 2-1/2 years but our relationship is not the same. She has not been able to apologize or make amends in the usual manner rather she is just trying to do right by her family, (which is just me) to live a good and loving life. There is much unsaid, that I believe is still too raw although she is actively still working program. I spent so many years wreaking havoc, creating chaos, and profoundly hurting the loved ones in my life.When I first got clean and sober, I was still too full of guilt and shame to even say 'I'm sorry' if that makes any sense.Over the years I have apologized to my family, especially my parents, many many times. Often, it has come up when we are discussing my oldest daughter, who is now an active addict.I tell my mother that now I truly understand the heartache that she went through, and I am so sorry for all of that.For all the damage that I did, I felt the best amends I could make were to start living a better life. As the years have gone by, it's been easier to come out and say I'm sorry. Hopefully the day will come when your daughter will be able to express her amends in words.To have your daughter in active recovery is the best Christmas gift I can think of, even though she won't be there physically.I have no doubt she is profoundly sorry for what she has done, and it appears she is putting her recovery first and foremost, which is what she needs to do.((((hugs))))
Patricia MemberPosts: 10(11/16/07 6:59 pm)Reply Edit Re: Daughter TenderheartsKS Quote: When I first got clean and sober, I was still too full of guilt and shame to even say 'I'm sorry' if that makes any sense This is the first time that I got that concept. Perhaps the plainness of how you said it, 'to even say I'm sorry' .....I have been wanting to 'get it' too. Saying sorry is so hard, add quantities of guilt and shame and I think I am getting it. I've been okay with it because the two of us have been so raw that just holding hands feels so good.This reminds me of something I'd heard about going to meetings also. Some meetings you go to and get nothing, sometimes you hear the same stuff, but you keep going. You never know when one person in the room will need to hear it moreover, you never know when YOU will 'get it'. You wanna be there, so you can 'get it'.HUGE HUGS to you, I got something huge today.Uhmmmmmm....... wow, don't feel so raw. Not so raw.patricia
NoMore4Me Forum FriendPosts: 1212(11/16/07 7:25 pm)Reply Re: Daughter I had to stay away from my hometown when I was getting well. I was finally able to spend time there for the first time in my life without doing drugs just this last time I was living there, I was there a whole 5 years. I'm 46.I hate that I wasted so much time from family members I loved. When my dad died I couldn't be found and they buried him without ever having gotten ahold of me. I finally called home Christmas and found out he was gone.Is there a possiblity you can go see her??Maybe rent a room or something??May peace surround you and yours.{{{hugs}}}
Patricia MemberPosts: 11(11/16/07 7:41 pm)Reply Edit Re: Daughter No More For Me ~Heartfelt on your part.There is a chance I could go see her. I will ponder it and 'give it to my higher power' and my boyfriend, wonderful man that he is. (Poor thing, never had kids, and now this is it, ghads! What a normie!)That is so scarry (to try to coordinate something)but she is incredibly busy, she is a young adult and that is what they do! Any examples? I've been to so many meetings with her, I always stuck out like a big sore thumb. Lol, but this is all good. Any examples?Patricia
mlg MemberPosts: 429(11/16/07 9:57 pm)Reply Re: Daughter Patricia, this is almost scary, we have a lot in common: Our daughter is also named Sarah and is our only child too. She is 29 now, and in a recovery home for women. One of the most painful times in my life on earth was 2 yrs. ago, we didn't know if she was even alive. We had to go through Thanksgiving and Christmas "in the dark." I didn't even open up Christmas cards that year...just threw them away.It was all I could do each day to get up and put one foot in front of the other...My personal sponsor, my own Higher Power, my husband, support groups, and my angel friend coworker I know, all helped saved me from going down the deepest end myself.Lots has happened for the good since then.We see her about once a week(end). She also stays busy, and is working hard on trying to learn how to "relive." That has to be so huge on her part.Thank goodness she has newfound friends in recovery too, many very seasoned and longterm that can help her a heck of a lot more than we (her parents) could ever begin to.I will relish the day and pinch myself when she will be with us this Thanksgiving, as she was last year too. Nothing was more dark than that year she wasn't with us, and not knowing where she was or if she was even alive...I am happy your daughter IS in recovery, and at least you DO know of her whereabouts. Time is relative, and time is in the end a healing force. I know it takes a lot of faith and patience too. Anyway, whatever is meant to be, I will send you a thought and prayer your way during this holiday season.God Bless You and Yours...mlg
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