How Enabling Is This? Bug's First Easter

This Is A Post That Originated On The KCI Anti-Meth Forum

By: LdyOfWzdm , Reprinted Here With Permission

Most of you know that my daughter abandoned her 7 month old granddaughter (Bug) with me back in Dec., Dec. 15th was the last time she's laid eyes or hands on this beautiful little girl, and I now have custody. Last week my daughter's PO called looking for her (at 8 am), as he hadn't seen her in as much time. I told him if I talked with her I would tell her to get in touch with him, and when she called last week I told her (even though I had told her the week before I found a note from him say the same on the door of the trailer house that she had also abandoned with all the furniture and shyt I had given her to set up home with Bug). She came down here with NOTHING but a baby in her belly and a BIG appetite! She called him this Tuesday and he told her she must come back down here and see him by this coming Monday or he would have a warrant issued for her arrest. So she told him she would be there. She told me about this but not once did she mention anything about visitation with Bug. She has talked with me on several occasions and did know how or when she would be down here to see him. She could have come Tuesday, yesterday, today, tomorrow, or Monday....HOW am I to know what she's going to do. She did asked if I would check the online court records to see if a failure to report or warrant had been filed. I DID...there wasn't that I could see. Today my husband had a check up at the Transplant Center where he received his liver and kidney transplants in Dec. 2005. This was the first time since the transplants that we received bad news (it had always been GREAT news). It looks as if the ugly dragon of HepC is back. He has to go in next Monday for a liver biopsy, to see just how much damage. When my daughter called today I told her about my husband having to have the biopsy on Monday and that I was going to have to find a sitter for Bug. I had forgotten all about her having to be down here by Monday. She had discussed nothing with me about visitation with Bug if and when she did come down. They only thing she said when I told her about my husband was (and in a very pissy way) Oh, so I wont be able to see my daughter. I told her I had forgotten about that, but I didn't have any thing to do with the scheduling by the hospital to do the procedure. She wanted to meet me in OKC that's about half way between where she lives and where her PO is, and take Bug with her to her PO and then bring her back to the hospital. LIKE THAT IS GONNA HAPPEN! She was pissed because I said NO. I said how are you getting down here (she doesn't have a vehicle), who's bringing you??????? She didn't know the answers to any of the questions, but still turned her not being able to see Bug around on ME! Or at least that's the way her attitude made me feel. So being the enabler that I am I told her I would call her PO and see if she could wait until Tuesday of next week to come see him, so we would be able to schedule her a visit with Bug....and I DID. Well I left him a message requesting that he give her one more day. Now why did I do that??? She hasn't seen Bug in over 3 months. Bug hasn't spent much time with her since her birth. Bug has lived with me since the day we brought her home from the hospital, and my daughter was back using with in 2 months. Even when my daughter was living her for the first 4 months she would spend most her time sleeping and I cared for Bug. Here I am feeling so confused. Wondering why I keep doing things like this for my daughter...and second wondering why I question myself for doing it...because I feel I do it because I love her, and I want her Bug to know her mother. My feelings are also hurt that my daughter didn't express any sympathy or concern for my husband of over 10 years, or for me and my pain of possibly facing liver failure with him again.

Mostly just venting,

Lady

There Were Numerous Comments In Response To This Post, in addition to my response that is shown here. (Click to go to KCI Anti-Meth Forum For Entire Posting)

Lady, You Have Your Hat On The Right Way! You seem to be moving in a positive direction with ceasing enabling - getting to the point of trying to figure out what the 'triggers' are. I agree with 'LO' (one of the other people who had posted a helpful response). We do tend to continue habits that numb the hurt somehow, even if they are not healthy. I hit hard learning how to discontinue my enabling. After a couple years trying, trying, trying .....not understanding, the pain seemingly only growing larger than life, one situation finally occurred that 'was too much'. First I tried to kill myself with an entire bottle of xanax, along with glass of milk (somewhere I thought I needed to keep from vomiting unconsciously). When I awoke 18 hours later still alive, my husband broke the bedroom door down to find me with one of his rifles trying to position myself. Addiction is such a demon including the demons it infests in the families of the addict. I have never in my life been suicidal, but I wanted out of the pain in that particular situation, it was finally too much. I did get involuntarily hospitalized, slept alot and participated in a bit of the therapy. But I didn't need it, so much as my studing of enabling, my years of trying to keep my 'good mom hat' on correctly all came together for me. From that day on, I decided that I was worth living for and it has been easier to keep my hat on my head. I learned my 'good mom hat' would not fit correctly if I allowed my own family (my kid) to destroy me, to destroy what I was, who I was. I sure support your efforts for your grandchild and for your child. Girlfriend, I'd say watch out for balance, as you seem to be. Balance in our own heads and minds helps us keep our 'good mom and good grandmother hats' on straight.

Patricia

PatriciaLynne12@aol.com

Sarahjoy & Living